We are just mirrors, trying to find us in every person we meet!

Watching rockstar the second time did give me a second chance to go deep into the movie.. And not just get lost in narghis fakhri and her beautiful face!
One thing that hit me during the movie was how simplicity and that intrinsic character is never lost.. What ever the state may be no one can ever leave that one thing! That one most important thing! It will never leave you and will never destroy you rather it will hold u together at the darkest hour of your life!! Yes, that characteristic probably is misplaced at times and that's what I have realized.. All we need to do is seek and find it!!
Today when the world is running to get ahead and at times trying to push another behind, that particular characteristic is already misplaced and in some cases overshadowing the rest!! Because that intrinsic character need not be humane one.. It can also be a self centered feeling which is in the limelight these days!!
It's in the DNA but is it inherited? Or is it developed? Sometimes when your parents don't get or understand your point of view, we all wonder how?? It is so simple and right there.. But why can't they understand?? Why are we so different?? So is this intrinsic character inherited?? Evolution!!! May be that's the answer.. May be! I don't know.. When I look at my mom and dad.. I see a lot of aspects of mine or behavior of mine just like theirs. And then I wonder why is it that sometime I fail to understand them.. And sometimes they fail to understand me?
In friends also we wish to see some aspects of ours.. Just like that song in rockstar.. "you and I are like mirrors and search ourselves in others" and we actually do it - try and find similarities in people we interact with! Why then do we fight with friends? Have arguments and disagreements??and lose them in worst cases? Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all once what you liked so much can irritate you.. Something which you wanted desperately can later bug you so much.. Why does like and dislikes change? But that one characteristic of that individual does not change!
A fellow blogger always mentions about her search for a soulmate and I never thought there is some one like a soul mate!! And I differed in opinion.. And in fact at times had mentioned to her probably the passion u might have can be for a hobby or work or deed or in short 'need not be a person..' Cos I always believed a person will change and a soulmate may never be your soulmate!
But today I feel different.. Not because I have found mine :p. But realization of the fact that .. That one defining characteristic of a person which does not change is what attracts you and if the rest of the package (soul wise not body wise :p) is worse and hopeless yet you want to be with that person because of that one defining characteristic.. There you go you have your soul mate! So go start your google search before pipa/ sopa and rest of world ban your search!!

The point of Revelation

In everyone’s life there will be a point, a point of revelation that questions the life lead so far. I had mine a some time ago. A point in time which could have come earlier or should have come earlier or is untrue and I have led my life the right way, is a debate which I have been having all this while from that day.

Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflexion where there might be another revelation.

I had my revelation from the fact of being a pleaser, a person who cannot say NO because he cannot be the bad one, and to be in everyone’s good books. Living a life which I cannot understand why I was living all this while like this? Nor did I gain anything instead lost most important things in life because I was nice, ‘nice’ really? The feelings were genuine but today the basis of those feelings / relations have been based on the fact that I was a pleaser, I was the ‘NICE’ guy so if I change now, will that crack the foundation? How long can I go ahead in this indecisiveness?  Delaying in the process of the actualization of the revelation, where neither pleasing nor displeasing anyone is leading to displeasing self. (I really don’t know what am I writing)

The experience has been really bitter when the pleasing never happened. Today I cannot be what I am in the real sense to anyone around me, I am scared. Blogging is just a path to bring or rather force out the real me. Go ahead read all the stupid ones I have written prior to this. It does not paint a good picture about me. Rather it paints a grey, infact a negative image. I shouldn’t be calling it an image because it is actually what I am right now pessimistic low on confidence and that’s what I am trying to do through blogging vent out my frustration with it the real me. 

The point of revelation came to me when the only person I could be ‘me’ and say NO and say what I really felt inside left me. Yeah yeah I know whining about a break up again. It is what another girl told me about 10 months after the break up. “Sridhar you are not over her! To a prospective girl friend you still continue to talk about your ex and the breakup” I don’t blame her she was honest. I wanted to talk, talk about everything in my head unfortunately the break up occupied a lot of space. Sometimes I wonder, I am scared to talk about it to anyone, everyone complains that I need to stop talking about it. And no one practically no one has ever fully heard me out. Probably if someone did hear me out not once but twice if required I would probably feel better. With the new girl, again I couldn’t be what I wanted to be at that point of time. I was supposed to woo her to like me, Impress her etc. etc.  I did try but I just couldn’t beyond a point. Probably because I realized I can no more be the one everyone “has to” like.  

The scare or the nightmare I have is ‘will anyone ever like the real me?’  May be not then what? So what? Frustration of being the YES Man will not crush you. I think right now that’s more important. Now this takes you back to the question I had asked in the beginning of the blog “Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflection where there might be another revelation.”

It indeed changed me. Otherwise contrary to everyone’s expectation I would not be single for so long (how can u be single, how can somebody not like you?) Now is the change a right one? I think it is, for me to be what I am and may be please only the person I really care for, not vice a verse which I did till now.  Or will this lead to another revelation in the future that for me the only thing I wish is if I could be the sympathy centre or a pity centre and that’s the real me and not what I believe real me is now ‘the one who could do what he wants and say NO and care least’ ” a second revelation may be. Human Being is complicated and I guess I am complication personified.

Indecision..

The world revolves on what people decide.. the decision to be precise.. be it the decision to buy a pen, quit a job.. take up a new assignment... propose the girl u are dating.. to date in the first place... to not to do something stupid.. yes 'To not to do something stupid' it is the most common decision most of us have taken sometime or the other.. but is it really a decision.. or the indecisiveness that was overwhelming.. ?? and we crumbled under the pressure..??
I will never know if i should have just plunged in to something i never did, thinking or worrying about the outcome.. i would never know.. thats the gamble u will take when u don't want to disturb the equation in your life.. when u don't want to lose!! but haven't u lost it already??
I have been lately in this uncertainty.... quite often.. and have more often than once have screwed up pretty badly.. but at times i feel the decision to do nothing was the best..

its a fight between 'what could have been' & 'what it is right now' and the 2 statements are so different.. one is so firm and assertive.. the other more hopeful than anything.. no certainty.. logically what can be the decision.. so is everyone who does nothing wrong or right?? and all the big fakes in the world will say risk it.. take your chances... but u only do so when u have enough substance to make this hope more certain.. its all a calculated decision.. but most of the times the calculations are tweaked by previous responses to those decisions without realizing the parameters this time around are totally different.. so these calculations are also may get you wrong..
and it is very difficult to take a decision when ur previous calculations have gone wrong..

so get squashed between the two.. and take the decision and keep wondering how it would have been if the decision taken was the other one.. it's just human nature..

I vs Me vs Myself.. The battle continues

From the time I remember I know of the inner voice within that tries to influence and at times helps me take a decision and at times confuses me to the core that I wish to mute these voices.. Lately I have been fighting my instincts and perceptions and gutt so much that can't figure out who is right and who is wrong.. And at times when the situation becomes personal and when it involves friends close ones it freaks me out.. The insecurity set in a few months back so deepset that the prime underlining of my character got shattered and I began to question simplest of decisions and actions.. Where I say 'I should' me says 'I shouldn't and myself says 'fuck why u thinking so much' but no body convincing enough.. Because past experience has all them in tied positions.. I was out a couple of months back for dinner with my really close friends and their girl friends.. Secrets I know (not life taking) about them which I believe they haven't shared with their girl friends.. I was so tempted to spill it out.. Not for fun.. But for the reason that I was super jealous and I couldn't for a couple of minutes take how happy they were.. And suddenly I felt all alone.. I controlled the emotions without disturbing equations.. (probably the only time I think 'I' won over 'me' ) but then again I had this fights every now and then.. The results are getting better and I am happy that I for is improving his odds.. Another instant was when my friend, my roomie had a break up.. There were instances when I felt happy to see him at home on weekend and not with his girl friend.. Where he and I could catch a movie go out bitch about every one check out girls.. But slowly I realized how sad his life had become.. So had mine.. It was then his ex caught me online to discuss about him.. I have to honest here I had cruel intentions as my instincts where to sabotage any chances.. Though I won I did the right thing and now both of them are happy as ever.. My guilty consciousness keep acting up as they insist on treating me for celebrating them back together.. And also the fear that I might start disliking my decision of doing what I did being jealous of every happy human being.. I am scared of 'Me' and fear it might act up to overpower 'I'... In all this myself doesn't make any sense and keeps coking with statements are repeated- 'fuck it why u thinking so much and where is my impulse' if I knew what my impulse I would never have this dilemma.. Being very social and friendly has always been my strength and yeah being stupidly funny corny was my ice breaker and with no intentions to flirt.. But today I have become so slow that it takes out the spontaneity and with it the funny.. Why have become so slow?? I am scared of the response whether it will communicate something else otherthan what I intended.. Thanks to I Me and myself .. Again confused to who to believe?? And eventually 'me' wins cause he from beginning said not to do anything and that's what I end up doing without conviction.. As the moment passes.. I just hope the fight is more conclusive and I have full authority in who wins and why he wins and so on..!! Unfortunately today it is like a boxing match without a knockout.. And somebody else deciding who the winner is.. The fight continues..

Selflessly selfish

Years back when great leaders fought for independence.. Women emancipation.. To remove racism and to remove slavery.. Our forefathers looked up to them and 'hero'fied them.. We learned about them in our history textbook.. When we looked up to our teachers when they said these men/ women were heroes and they fought for selfless causes.. I admired them.. They did influence me a lot during my forming years and helped me cultivate strong characteristics of servicing a purpose and living a cause.. And I for long thought I am too very selfless and great ;) but after quite a few really hectic and fun weekends this last Sunday I had a long time to myself whileing away time lying on my bed.. Trying to answer a question pricking me for long.. Who am I?? What am I?? And the same old question whether. I am shades of grey or black or white.. I asked myself a question why I do what I do?? Work excites me.. I travel a lot (domestic) prefer that too.. Interact with top shots gives my ego a boost.. And yeah it does help me meet my ends.. So it revolves around 'i' so pretty clear I am not here to do charity.. Then I questioned why I participate in save the children so actively?? Why whenever I return from a party my conscious pricks when I see a small child at traffic signals and wonder if I had not spent the money unnecessarily on food and drinks and music.. I bribe my conscious by giving these kids 10 or 20 bucks most of the times not even 1% of what I wasted.. But yeah to supress my guilt I guess it is sufficient.. These aspects made me wonder it boils down to 'I' and that selfish feeling or personal satisfaction that drives every individual to do what they do.. Be it putting a smile on a helpless child or saving a girl child's life or bringing food to hungry or building a home to a homeless family.. Or feeding your family or giving your child what you never got or giving your family the comfortable life and living a stylish life or having a personality or lifestyle that turns any heads with admiration.. All boils down to that personal satisfaction we all long for.. It is what I proudly coin as 'selflessly selfish'..

Child Abuse… ‘something which shall not be discussed…’

India is supposed to be a ‘sacred’ country and often the word sacred is misinterpreted as scared… we are scared…  Scared to revolt… Scared to raise our opinion… Scared to discuss about sex (but definitely not scared to rape)… Scared of god… Scared of people in power… Scared of voodoo… Scared of talking about touchy subjects like domestic violence, Child abuse, Child marriage, Dowry, Female infanticide…

Lately empowerment has resulted in stray cases being reported to the law enforcement bodies in India and in some cases they also see the light of media. In fact when I was in kerala about a month back was really astonished to find out an entire page in the local newspaper dedicated to crime.. rapes.. killing child abuse.. really astonished to see two things there..

1.       Media willing to dedicate an entire page for a non commercial social issue.. (yeah.. surprising isn’t it??)

2.       The amount of crime happening these days

Child abuse is one area where I have been exposed to in my life at different stages … aye not on me.. but to people I know - close friends and in family too.  And it sometimes makes me wonder how the priorities differ and how close ones can turn a blind eye instead of fighting your fight. And the excuse is that it will pass.. it will be over soon.. the fact they don’t realize is that how it leaves a lasting mark on somebody.. how it haunts them over and over again.. how it destroys their hope for a better life.. some even resort to violence when they grow older and stronger.. some resort to suicide.. some find solace in wrong company…. And yes some are lucky who get a brighter future…

Why does it go unnoticed.. or uninformed why?? Because it is an ewww topic… chi chi chi why would I talk about it.. and when brought to some else’s attention.. the sad response.. ‘no beta they are just being friendly…’ situation has sometimes gone to an extent where the elder sibling keeps mum to save the younger sibling.. and it just destroys the soul of that person.. Sadly they lost all the hope for a normal life and feels & believes that eventuality will be brutal and nothing good can happen in their life.. all good things need to come to an end.. if not will themselves end it before it hurts more..  Days, months , years have passed but it still makes them cry.. makes them vulnerable.. makes them heartless and make them scared..!!!

A child is the most unadulterated and purest form of a human being.. they don’t know to lie.. they don’t know to act.. all that they know is to change.. And at times change in to monsters they have seen when they grow or into worms stuck in their cocoons afraid to get out and fly because of those very same monsters... Why can’t the elders believe and help, is it because of the lack of trust in a young mind which they themselves have curtailed these children from, identifying right from wrong.. not sharing and not enlightening facets of life which are a part of Scared India more than the Incredible India that we like to talk about.

It’s come to a point where today, I feel I need to stand up for this cause and may be a minority but still a cause. Its high time we stand up against this.. stop it before it ruins.. help a friend.. help a sibling.. help any one who is put through this is.. and if already suffered please give them hope for a better future.

Mirchi Seth off to check in at the hotel California!!

Tushar .. Mirchi seth.. Paki.. Geezzz he had many names and the one major characteristic these words / names personify... Traitor.. Ha ha ha no don't conclude now and make your perception about him.. It was his trait.. But it changed, unfortunately his nick name didn't .. Why am I writing about him?? It's been exactly a week since he left for California.. For good.. Life has been really blessed for him.. Engaged to his love.. And what are the odds... She turns out to be reciprocating his love and affection.. I guess so ( both ways ).. Has multiple job offers and gets visa to all difficult locations and many more.. Sometimes I feel 'uske naseeb mein jo likha hain.. us sentence ka punctuation marks mere naseeb mein likha Hota toh I would have been happy..' anyways I will stop cribbing about it.. So coming back to Mr. Tushar he has been my room mate for more than 2.5 years.. And our friendship goes for more than 8 years.. Probably I should say friendship really kicked in the 3rd year or so after we first met on sunny afternoon of august 19th 2003... (he can't prove otherwise so I can put any date I want but it is quite close..) I still remember our final year project and how my other good friend and his bitch screwed us over.. (luckily the bitch is gone and the friend is back.. Diff person, will write about him someday) an those days before the exams when we wasted our lives playing NFS most wanted and NFS carbon.. And bitching about the system and the college.. Yeah just like the typical college rebel.. But the most interesting Thingy during that period was obviously the fact that he fell in love and he n das (DSPTR) - will explain later.. Pushed me into a grand canyon saying it was love.. Luckily it wasn't a ugly crash n burn.. Thanks a very mature girl for a change.. I am obviously not naming her she might have a nasty boy friend.. Anyways days of brain wash. And reading signs apparently I was missing to.. And inferring them for me.. The 2 were not entirely to be blamed for the fiasco.. I liked her to start with.. And when I was chickening out these guys would sow hope in my barren land.. And I float away.. Anyways I have no regrets cause each and every minute spent in his room discussing this was memorable and still brings about a smile on my face and I bet on his too and on das's face too.. moving on to life out of college I still remember the first get together sorts in Bombay... Adya.. Das.. Him n I we met at worli sea face and it rained that day... It was in may or June 2008.. I was doing my internship.. It was a beautiful day.. BMC was laying that tripods on the beach to decrease sea encroachment.. Whatever.. Memorable day.. His one of the crazy collection was the bills from places where we meet and dine.. Very seldom did he pay for it though :p Marwadi kanjoos sala.. Jk.. I guess he would probably have. Hundred slips by now.. I still remember the time he became my room mate.. He was planning to go to the US very shortly and didn't want to hire a place and leave it mid way.. He was trying to go for the same job and place eventually he left for last week.. But this was 2009 nov.. I am talking about.. I guess his time was not right at that point of time.. And his time came sept 2011... But it did help us become great friends and also the group .. Das.. Tushar and I later on robin also came to Bombay.. And the zillion times we hung out and had great fun.. Thetimee when Jyoti our common friend came to mumbai we did a night out had coffee at marine plaza and then saw znmd 8am show and came home.. The favorite has always been marine drive I have lost count the number of times we have been there.. The time when he had bought his iPod and we were shooting superbikes without realizing it was John Abraham and Shahid Kapoor who were the ones riding it.. My birthday when all of them came home cut the cake and left for marine drive.. The antakshari we played on the way.. The 5 o'clock in the morning train ride to VT and bun maska and tea from a tapri.. The ipl match and so on so forth.. Our fights over federer vs nadal and our unconditional devotion to the god of cricket and 50+ movies we have seen.. He was our pivot as he used to plan everything to the last detail.. Amras @ crystal and fruit cream at haji Ali.. Etc etc.. His engagement in udaipur.. Amras we had in his house.. ('we' in most cases mean das n I and in some cases mean das, robin and I and in some cases mean Adya, das, robin n I and not to forget at all times tushar) the view of entire udaipur from his roof top.. But we missed out on the goa trip for his bachelor's party.. Not to worry we will do it in las Vegas... And hangover part 3 will happen..
Till the next time we meet up.. Adios amigo!!! Have a great life in Americas... God speed!!!

The lokpal bill.. Life before n after it

For days the channels were covering Anna hazare and the nation's fight against corruption.. It was really great to see everyone supporting he cause.. Everyone has been in one way or the other affected by corruption.. I was and have.. It was really late in my life though.. Thanks to 'NOC' all the Pune'ites would know what I am talking about.. Anyways a 100 ruppee note would let me off!! I used to get loose with just rs. 100/- for what?? For not payin the taxes for using the state's infrastructure!!! Now there are 2 ways to looking at this .. And before I start let me just clarify that I am not trying justify my act here I am just putting a different perspective out there to view.. So many of us have been caught using mobile phones while driving.. Breaking one way.. For parking in no-parking.. And some of u for drinking and driving and all of us have tired to get out of by paying the cops.. Now is that a real threat to the society?? Drinking and driving yes, it is even if you pay or don't pay.. The first time it struck me, a simple question, what and who are we fighting against here?? Is it against the hawaldar, who earns probably less that what many of us spend on pastas and macaronni a month.. Who let's you off for a mere 100 bucks.. Or is it that the guy who eats into the taxes we pay and tolls that we pay and those on whom we put our trust during election?? Yeah I know the obvious answer here.. I am in no way justifying the hawaldar here but I guess when u know the road tax you pay for letting you drive a kerala registration vehicle here in Maharashtra doesn't actually go into makin the roads better.. Please it doesn't just drive from Marol to chakala you will have back massaged by the seat back a hundred times if not more.. So we may also feel that if you let this go by just bribing the cop and getting away with it?? It is definitely the easiest way to resolve the situation.. Precisely the reason why we chose what we did in the first place.. The sad or harsh part of that will be that this too got to end if we need to bring about the change everyone in ramleela maidan and all those including me supports and thrived for and lastly the man 'Anna' starved for.. It always comes down to choice of the individual and it was here we lost to temptation and succumbed to the pressure and bribed.. Tomorrow these situations will again act up and force us to at least look the other way or turn a blind eye.. But something we should not forget is the choice that we have to do the right thing and like those grandma stories we heard when we were children which always had an underlying moral - 'the right path will always be hard but rewarding and the wrong path will always try to lure you in but the end is fatal..' may be I will have to go all the way to Bombay court or appear before the RTO, may be I will have to waste a galon of petrol driving all the way.. But I will not pay the hawaldar.. Now that brings me back to the tricky situation!! Salary of these govt. Servants is it even compensating for the inflation?? Is it enough for their children's education?? Now is it wrong if you look at it this way?? We might suggest pay hike will it make them happy, actually not! Like we all know where the law of marginal utility fails? Money is never enough for anyone.. So it again boils down to 'choice' but this time it is the govt. servant's choice.. We can force him to take that right choice or we can wait for him to take that right choice.. Just like Anna waited for congress to take the right decision when it was running like a head less zombie trying to scare us but was actually making us laugh at that sight. It's just my take.. And I have made my choice.. Have you??

Why?

I would probably not know why?
I would never know why?
But why?
The sun still sets in the west
And everyone still enjoys the sun set!
Kids still enjoy the rain
Elders still feel it's a pain
My dad still feels he's young
My mom still convinces him otherwise
When everything else is the same
Why isn't my life just the same?
Why does my sun never rise?
Why is there no sun set to enjoy?
Because life is asleep and cannot hear me knocking on it's door!
I'm shouting out loud!! Somebody... Life... open the door.. Please let me in.. Outside I am just alone .. So lonely and sleepless with my eyes wandering in search of the knob which is moving away like the horizon!
Why? God damn it! Why?

Airport my favorite blogspot!

I am sitting here in one of the worst airports in India... Any guesses?? Chennai bingo! Whoosh the a/c doesn't work and the place god damn crowded! And to add to that everyone around seems to be comfortable with the heat and the crowd! I am not being those pseudo north Indians who hate south (i am a proud mallu myself) and seem to ridicule the accent as if they speak 'propar' British English! Anyways touchy issue! All have their justifications to hate whoever that they hate!! For example my roomie stopped having anything south Indian just because he hated our engg. College which was  unluckily in south that he never had sambhar or anything south! Though his room mate (me) was a south Indian! And all his gr8 buddies were from that very college! Never understood his logic! Anyways he had his reasons! Today I was hating chennai for my own reasons I hate 'heat' and an airport that too an international airport should have the basic amenities like air conditioning! Oh wait there is a fan!! I am shifting towards that seat!!
But I am amazed that an international airport doesn't take Care of such small but important aspects! And that too at the departure lounge when this might be the last and lasting impression he/she may be carrying home! I have always believed the other person takes away exactly what u want him to take away in terms of impression which you may portray through your interaction! What you posture is what they take away! So I guess it's largely our fault for what others think of you! Wait all the rebels before u say ' I don't care what others think'
Hold they have announced the boarding! Oh! Badly need a cold drink! Shucks! There is no good joints in the airport from where I can buy a good cold coffee or a tropicana mixed fruit tetra! Anyways saving it on my evernote! Will be back blogging on the flight!
I am in the flight now!! Gr8 I have got a seat close to exit! I usually prefer the emergency aisle reclining seat! But very rarely do it get it! When I travel the low cost I can buy it.. I guess it's totally worth paying little more than get cramped up for space! 
By the way I didn't get what I approached the snack bar at the airport for! Why cos of two reasons.. One completely my fault.. I never learn from my previous experiences! I didn't have cash!! Not even a mere 150 bucks! (had only a 100rs) but these outlets don't have credit cards! What will today's credit run economy do??? Probably one reason why india still ain't effected by the economic downturn!
Oh they wil ask me to turn off my electronic device! How many times should I tell em it's not battery operated it's my freaking stamina n flesh!! ;) but these god damn air hostesses don't seem to believe me! Poor attempt to make this funny!
Anyways switching off while take off will resume after we are airborne!
The seat belt sign is off now and I am back writing!
Coming back to the point of discussion that the world has been divided among two kind of people.. Who are social beings and who are not social beings! Now being social doesn't mean having maximum friends on social networking sites.. But being more interactive, who enjoys company of others and who always keeps his / her social status intact by acting or behaving accordingly! The second the anti-social! One who cares for crap what his society or his group or his parents or his girl friend(s) thinks about him! They are not pests please don't make that mistake in fact a true anti social is one who has reached his final stage of self realization! Because I believe self realization is something today lost in peer pressure!
Shucks what turbulence!! We are on a see-saw!! 
I feel the anti social is at peace with his inner self! And that's why he doesn't want any company! Unfortunately these days we see a thrid and most dangerous kind!! The 'anti-social wanna be' who are actually very associative in nature but just for the heck of being cool act as if they couldn't care! The easiest way to recognize these genre of people is by simply telling them 'u r not a rebel, u ain't that cool' immediate response will be to freaking try and impress or show or comment otherwise! Sadly the whole don't care attitude goes down the drain! This category is due to probably the larger acceptance of the 'anti-social' and also the tag of being cool! and also the fact that the opposite sex is attracted more!! I was probably dumped for the same reason (I am epitome of being social one more reason why I blog) actually still searching for the reason! Anyways all these aspects today is adding to the increasing number of pseudo anti social! another simple test to find out the pseudo is by asking his fb or twitter account.. Phatak.. there u have it!
I am not here to judge or announce my winner! I am a social person I like to be liked by people and my success would probably be to get an anti-social to like me! 'Like me' would be to like my company at least! And an anti social is the self realization I have been striving for!! And I guess all I will say  is that this is just different stages in everyone's life and we all will transit through these destinations as well!

PS: keeping the same title with which I started though have digressed from it!

On board with a pretty girl

How many times have I cribbed after boarding a flight that my co passenger is not a good looking babe! Forget the luck has been so bad that I rarely get a women in my adjacent seat! Old fat asses would accompany me through my looooooooooooooong journey! At times when I sit next to an empty seat I always wish that 'god at least this time help me with my luck and if u do I will always be indebted to you and I will definitely strike a conversation with her!' but my luck has been such it never happened! Sometimes to rub it in god would send a beautiful girl along the aisle looking at the empty seat next to me.. But go sit somewhere else!! I console my self saying she also wanted to sit next to me that's a start!! So these I have assumed my sad fate!!
Today also like always it started with a beautiful girl sitting about the same row as mine so as usual with the aisle seat next to her being empty I was pleasantly surprised at my luck but as I approached close to my row I realized naaah the usual story! Sat down in my seat with the middle seat empty my hopes had not died as yet! And again as usual a pretty girl walking down the aisle ( that phrase sounded cliche') anyways she walked down towards me ( sounds exciting ha hahaha) looking at the empty seat next to me! But with the start that I got today I was preparing myself to the usual story! I was meanwhile talking to my mom but the attention slowly shifted its focus to the pretty girl this time the look was to tell me 'that's my seat' the seat next to me! Finally the sun started shunning brightly!! From that point onwards I have till now (1 hr into the journey) rehearsed a 100 different conversation starters but nope my guts was no where to be seen it just shrunk itself and hid himself somewhere! May be it's cos I have lost touch 3.5 years in a relationship probably will get your flirting (harmless) skills rusted! So I guess it will need some more rehearsing before I indulge into this may be or else will crash n burn! To add to the excitement she is from the airline industry! Couldn't help but notice kingfisher ID tag inside her purse! Didn't peep it just struck my eyes that's all! 
Airline industry is one which will have the beauty and hospitality!! Very polite and courteous, at least to customers so might not slap me if i start a conversation! Anyways all this depends on if she is awake the sad part by the time I wrote this I thought I had rediscovered my guts and turned to look she was sleeping comfortably! Now can't wake her up to talk she will just be too irritated to talk won't help! 
By the way it's interesting to know what will I talk and where do I expect this to lead!! Since she is also traveling to chennai probably could ask her for a coffee in the evening?? Ah Wat say? Suddenly I got an idea.. Why don't I ask her to read this blog?? She could read it and just place the phone back on my tray! Shucks she could also throw it! Too big a gamble to take with ur iPhone my dear! Dekha fattu! Why don't you accept that u have lost it! Atmost what will happen? She will have A laugh at this probably share it with her boyfriend to get him irritated, discuss with her other airline crew friends ( woo hoo) but yeah I would have created an impression, probably of a desperate guy! Anyways I will post this on my blog as soon as I land.. All those who read my blog can also have a laugh! Freak I am talkin as if I have bloody a zillion readers on my blog! Anyways she got up .. Yes I can do it!!
Shucks its about to land guts please come back!

Black or White .. and now grey???

“Karm kar phal ki echha mat kar….”

That is taken from a dialogue from one of my favourite movies.. ‘Taal’.. but I believe it is a stanza from bhagavat gita..

A level of selflessness achieved when somebody actually doesn’t expect anything in return for his deeds is beyond my comprehension most of the times. Sometimes I feel all my actions, I always expect something favourable for me. In fact every time I do something I expect something in return. Be it extending help or be it emotional support or financial help or professional help. And mostly the fact remains that I don’t end up the getting what I expect sometimes it turns out to be more dreadful than fruitful. Is this a cheap side of me? Sometimes I do wonder, I am not what I perceive myself to be.. an ideal human being.. be it concealing truth.. to twisting the truth.. to interpret the truth the way I want.. all these are also exemplified colour ‘black’ though I always chose to believe lying is black.. rest is white! And everything in life is either black or white.. in other words right or wrong.. ! someone ‘once’ very close always used to point out this to me and said there are more shades in life.. grey being one.. never listened to her today when I comprehend the same she isn’t here to say ‘o-la’.

When you do a good deed hoping to have / get something in return isn’t it a shade of grey..

White : doing a ‘good’ deed

Black : expecting a  return

Grey : what you get when mix the both..

Sometimes I wonder, just like now, what’s wrong or black in expecting something in return.. is it just me who expects something in return when I do something? I dunno.. today was one of those days where I thought I did something very few would do or respond to. But immediately a thought did cross my brain ‘how will I leverage this moment?’.. did I just undo all the good.. did I just ruin it all?

Every person, I believe is made of that one core principle in life about life. The one belief that defines her / him.. what happens when that one belief is shattered.. like the foundation of the 100 storey building just blown up. How long will the building stand or will it soon dust the ground??

Whole essence of being a human is the capability to improvise, learn and adapt and change. What would be the difference between me and my computer here if we both work in binary codes.. 1-0 (black or white). My life, today stood in that juncture where everything that is facing my back was sinking in quick sand. And what’s in front was not in focus.. and what’s in me struggling to fend off the anti bodies! What was pumping the fresh blood yesterday has become a large chunk of cancer eating me up and sucking on my blood. I need my chemo.. I need my support.. I need my ventilator.. I need to breath that fresh burst of life again.. this time though only with a new heart and a new mind that will not crumble in the near future..

Btw in my defense.. most times all that I expect in return is probably a thank you or a hug or a smile or that pat on the back.. its not black after all..

Perception!!!

Is perception the basis of every thought or every decision that we take? In fact the question that troubling me is which precedes which?? Perception and thought..? Does thought lead to a perception or perception leads to a thought? Is this what they call catch 22?? Today has been one of those days in office with no work what so ever. So it’s an idle mind.. or is it a free mind?? That is another question that is lingering in my head today.

Rather than digressing lets come back to the point of perception and thought. Let me split the two and observe it independently.

Thought: what is a thought? ‘a’ in front of the word thought would make it singular in English language. But is it actually singular?? Can there be a single thought? Definitely not in my head! I believe thought is a string of occurrences in your mind and the funny part is each occurrence can be a thought on its own. So can thought be singular? Yesterday a fellow blogger (I dunno why I refer to her as a fellow blogger.. J don’t know) anyways.. wait see the thought inside a thought.. coming back.. mentioned (may be I assume, was mentioned) meditation is to free the mind and concentrate on a single thought now two aspects are in contention here – free the mind and single thought whoof.. very difficult! I am sure I can never meditate if this is what meditation is all about.

Free mind is also instrumental in the creation of a perception or the act that follows. The assumption here is that creation of the perception precedes the action which can also be debated! But that we will take up later. The perception created, initial perception, should be created with a free mind. Now here the free mind is relative, as there is no thought or occurrences preceding the creation of the perception, cause it’s like a virgin who doesn’t know what to expect from the event that will change her life forever. I should write a virgin ‘tribal’ girl.. these days everyone else seems to already have perceptions..(:p) anyways coming back to perception.. every other instance after the perception is made the mind is not free and is probably cluttered with perceptions from earlier encounters of the situation / interaction. Here I guess the perception precedes the thought and therefore forms the basis.

The interesting thought (too many ‘thoughts’ n ‘perceptions’ in this blog) here is the fact that perception is dynamic and keeps changing and here the action or the encounter precedes the perception. (am I writing just for the heck of writing? Cos what I wrote everyone knows) but what people don’t know is that the concept of free mind and its impact on all our actions (who am I to say people don’t know??) anyways.. I am reminded of a scene from matrix..  neo wants to jump of a building to the next one.. and Morpheus tells him to just free his mind.. while narrating that scene.. it struck me.. that probably he meant ‘free your mind’ from the thought of not making it.. not just simply free your mind which is quite unreasonable.. or probably it is free your mind from making the judgment that he can’t make the jump?? It is that inhibition that one needs to let go.. probably that’s when you have ‘freed’ your mind! (this is inspired from a very recent conversation I had with my fellow blogger). Humans tend to have different options or means to free their mind.. its is important for me to realize my means be it any thing.. from penning down whatever that comes to my mind, composing a rhyme, watching your favourite movie, or even shouting out loud or destroying something or doing something which you also thought was wrong.. cos like it is said in bhagvat gita.. the end justifies the means.. the free mind is worth all  this pain and effort!

This will probably the most disconnected blog I have ever written (As if I have written a zillion blogs) but definitely this is just 10% of the mess that’s cluttered in my head right now.. feel better though..

Fresh burst of air!!

My arms are wide open..
Trying to embrace whats in front of me
Breeze across my face whispering in my ears
Rain drops on my soul bringing it back to life
From the harsh sun for the past few months
To the fresh green, filled with life portrait!
Just another metaphor to my life..
A season change, an inevitable change
Spring may not be as beautiful if not for the autumn
Autumn may not be looked upon with hope
If not preceded by a harsh summer
And life may not be appreciated if not for these reminders
It's just a cycle and you keep rolling on!
Dropping off and picking up several spirits on your way
Its just that fresh burst of air.. That breeze.. Fuel you to roll on!

An attempt..

The question is why is there an urge in me to write something? Why do I keep attempting to write and crush the paper afterwards, rather I should say delete the file afterwards as computer has saved a lot of trees!! But this attempt is different I just feel this is going to be the one I might put up on the blog!! BTW if you type in and post it later is it still considered blogging???

I do have my favourite pass time (recently acquired) tempting me to leave this midway and go.. Lately have been watching scrubs and also playing virtua tennis on the comp. But today somehow don’t want to let it go. Surprising part is, I don’t want to write a poem today, nor do I want to write to make some difference. Today its just ‘write’ whatever that comes to mind. Actually inspired by a fellow blogger, she lets her mind loose in most of her blogs and therefore is very refreshing piece to read. So I just want to write today let it out, may be it will loosen me up somewhat.. so actually I am wrong I am writing to make a difference.. a difference to me.. may be in me!!!

Today I actually am going through a lot of stress relating to job change, whether or not I should , why I should ?? a lot of questions are lingering above my head?? The one which is haunting me as usual.. the one in bold italics and underlined.. ‘are you changing cause you want to run away?’ The question is actually pricking my ego… and ego is telling me ‘no it doesn’t matter I can stay here.. I have to stay here and I will stay here’ no then the conscience part of the brain tells me.. ‘your ego is ruling you, it may be a good option to change but your ego is not letting you take that option and convincing otherwise. You are not doing the right thing’ poor me.. I am freaking stuck between this crap and stretched both ways.

Apart from this lately what else has been occupying my brain space?? Rains… Mumbai rains.. its just amazing!! They just keep pouring, pouring n pouring.. reminds me of my brother’s favourite rhyme… ‘rain rain go away little sridhar wants to play..’ he used to sing it when I get upset that its raining and I can’t play cricket..i loved playing cricket.. I was good at it too but lost it somewhere in the past along with these memories. I miss it sometimes that I don’t play cricket..

Lately I have been in this retrospective mood.. rather a retrospective cum introspective state of mind.. largely because of the time I have in hand these days, work load has come down and yeah Saturdays n Sundays n weekdays its just work that can keep me busy so when work is less time is more!! There are a lot of aspects or traits which I comprehend at this moment, probably in the right sense or at least guiding towards the right sense. Where am I heading with this?? Am I thinking or observing through the right frame of mind?? I guess at times I am like now.. but at times way too off target.

I sometimes hope I close my eyes and open them… snap I am out of this fizz in my brain!! I am once again clear in my thoughts!! And I am back alive!!