The point of Revelation

In everyone’s life there will be a point, a point of revelation that questions the life lead so far. I had mine a some time ago. A point in time which could have come earlier or should have come earlier or is untrue and I have led my life the right way, is a debate which I have been having all this while from that day.

Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflexion where there might be another revelation.

I had my revelation from the fact of being a pleaser, a person who cannot say NO because he cannot be the bad one, and to be in everyone’s good books. Living a life which I cannot understand why I was living all this while like this? Nor did I gain anything instead lost most important things in life because I was nice, ‘nice’ really? The feelings were genuine but today the basis of those feelings / relations have been based on the fact that I was a pleaser, I was the ‘NICE’ guy so if I change now, will that crack the foundation? How long can I go ahead in this indecisiveness?  Delaying in the process of the actualization of the revelation, where neither pleasing nor displeasing anyone is leading to displeasing self. (I really don’t know what am I writing)

The experience has been really bitter when the pleasing never happened. Today I cannot be what I am in the real sense to anyone around me, I am scared. Blogging is just a path to bring or rather force out the real me. Go ahead read all the stupid ones I have written prior to this. It does not paint a good picture about me. Rather it paints a grey, infact a negative image. I shouldn’t be calling it an image because it is actually what I am right now pessimistic low on confidence and that’s what I am trying to do through blogging vent out my frustration with it the real me. 

The point of revelation came to me when the only person I could be ‘me’ and say NO and say what I really felt inside left me. Yeah yeah I know whining about a break up again. It is what another girl told me about 10 months after the break up. “Sridhar you are not over her! To a prospective girl friend you still continue to talk about your ex and the breakup” I don’t blame her she was honest. I wanted to talk, talk about everything in my head unfortunately the break up occupied a lot of space. Sometimes I wonder, I am scared to talk about it to anyone, everyone complains that I need to stop talking about it. And no one practically no one has ever fully heard me out. Probably if someone did hear me out not once but twice if required I would probably feel better. With the new girl, again I couldn’t be what I wanted to be at that point of time. I was supposed to woo her to like me, Impress her etc. etc.  I did try but I just couldn’t beyond a point. Probably because I realized I can no more be the one everyone “has to” like.  

The scare or the nightmare I have is ‘will anyone ever like the real me?’  May be not then what? So what? Frustration of being the YES Man will not crush you. I think right now that’s more important. Now this takes you back to the question I had asked in the beginning of the blog “Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflection where there might be another revelation.”

It indeed changed me. Otherwise contrary to everyone’s expectation I would not be single for so long (how can u be single, how can somebody not like you?) Now is the change a right one? I think it is, for me to be what I am and may be please only the person I really care for, not vice a verse which I did till now.  Or will this lead to another revelation in the future that for me the only thing I wish is if I could be the sympathy centre or a pity centre and that’s the real me and not what I believe real me is now ‘the one who could do what he wants and say NO and care least’ ” a second revelation may be. Human Being is complicated and I guess I am complication personified.