Black or White .. and now grey???

“Karm kar phal ki echha mat kar….”

That is taken from a dialogue from one of my favourite movies.. ‘Taal’.. but I believe it is a stanza from bhagavat gita..

A level of selflessness achieved when somebody actually doesn’t expect anything in return for his deeds is beyond my comprehension most of the times. Sometimes I feel all my actions, I always expect something favourable for me. In fact every time I do something I expect something in return. Be it extending help or be it emotional support or financial help or professional help. And mostly the fact remains that I don’t end up the getting what I expect sometimes it turns out to be more dreadful than fruitful. Is this a cheap side of me? Sometimes I do wonder, I am not what I perceive myself to be.. an ideal human being.. be it concealing truth.. to twisting the truth.. to interpret the truth the way I want.. all these are also exemplified colour ‘black’ though I always chose to believe lying is black.. rest is white! And everything in life is either black or white.. in other words right or wrong.. ! someone ‘once’ very close always used to point out this to me and said there are more shades in life.. grey being one.. never listened to her today when I comprehend the same she isn’t here to say ‘o-la’.

When you do a good deed hoping to have / get something in return isn’t it a shade of grey..

White : doing a ‘good’ deed

Black : expecting a  return

Grey : what you get when mix the both..

Sometimes I wonder, just like now, what’s wrong or black in expecting something in return.. is it just me who expects something in return when I do something? I dunno.. today was one of those days where I thought I did something very few would do or respond to. But immediately a thought did cross my brain ‘how will I leverage this moment?’.. did I just undo all the good.. did I just ruin it all?

Every person, I believe is made of that one core principle in life about life. The one belief that defines her / him.. what happens when that one belief is shattered.. like the foundation of the 100 storey building just blown up. How long will the building stand or will it soon dust the ground??

Whole essence of being a human is the capability to improvise, learn and adapt and change. What would be the difference between me and my computer here if we both work in binary codes.. 1-0 (black or white). My life, today stood in that juncture where everything that is facing my back was sinking in quick sand. And what’s in front was not in focus.. and what’s in me struggling to fend off the anti bodies! What was pumping the fresh blood yesterday has become a large chunk of cancer eating me up and sucking on my blood. I need my chemo.. I need my support.. I need my ventilator.. I need to breath that fresh burst of life again.. this time though only with a new heart and a new mind that will not crumble in the near future..

Btw in my defense.. most times all that I expect in return is probably a thank you or a hug or a smile or that pat on the back.. its not black after all..