Glimpses of romance!!

It's been 9 yrs, 2 months and 17 days since the first time I fell in love.. Sitting on the couch in her house waiting to meet her and give her the heart shaped pebble I snatched from my brother.. It was her birthday and I was invited for a small birthday party the last one for her in school! Hosting it upstairs she came down to greet us (my best friend accompanied me for moral support) and there I fell in love with her.. Incidently i had propsed to her more than a year back, i probably was infatuated then but it was clearly this particular day that spun my head and i fell head over heels! In a pretty black Indian attire.. Smiling and hair combed side ways.. She came from the front door.. I tried to get up but slipped and fell back on the couch.. She looked stunning.. I had to leave soon since I had classes to attend.. Don't burst out when I say IIT coaching.. Yeah yes I did! But those 15 - 20 minutes (thanks to the ever studious and righteous friend of mine.. Who was eager on the classes..) were cherished even after these many years.. My first instance of falling in love!!
Very soon she is getting married.. And I will be in a different continent! No hard feelings.. Because I fell in love again and many a times too.. I just hope she did and is marrying him! God bless her!!
Then came Onam festival .. Final year of college and the mallu's in our traditional attire.. There she walked in to the class.. No that she had me aw! Struck it was more of developed or a triggered feeling.. Scanning through the photos with friends back in the hostel room.. Comments and remarks on a photo of mine with her triggered that nice feeling.. Yes there I go again through that whirlpool of happy and blushy feelings.. Still do look at that photo sometimes not for love but for those comments and the fun moments with friends! Not a moment of love probably but did have a good feeling which i spoiled by proposing her after a fullfledged brainwashing done by my friends. But even today feel good about those days.. She ain't getting married but nah! Not going that road again!
Last year of college.. Engineering.. Busy preparing for final project, final placements, MBA exams.. And the college fest.. Dept. fest!! Bunking classes and sitting in the Audi for other department's events.. She came on the stage, knew her all along and had spoken to her a several times as well.. No bells were rung till that day! She stepped up and sang one of my favourite malayalam songs and My heart had already launched itself and was free falling from way above.. For that 4 and 1/2 minutes or so I fell in love with her several times! and there we go again.. Even today when I hear that song I fall in love with her all over again! But she is married and has kids and frankly don't even know where she is!!
Then came my longest colorful days being in love.. Was already dating this girl for probably a couple of months! Seniors were hosting a party in the most happening joints in Pune 'Arthur's theme' food and food and food all over.. Pretty seniors high on alcohol and asking for a dance.. Suddenly I was missing her... Never felt like that before.. Told my best friend to cover for sped back in my bike all the way back to campus to be greeted by a tight hug and kiss on the cheek (no smooches in public please) and yeah this time free falling from the land of cryptonite or the seventh heaven.. Everything else had become so small as a dot and it was just her! I was in love.. so was she.. !
A few months later.. probably an year had passed.. Was strollig with her outside my canteen and had a call to attend.. It was from home.. While talking she sat down on the small parapet guarding the plants.. She sat down on a plant and jumped up immediately to look what it was.. Realizing it was a plant.. She caressed it and then she caressed all the plants wished them good night and gave them all kisses.. Even today that thought makes me fall back in love with her to that extent that sometimes I end up calling her.. (not this time) on phone I told my mom I got to go cause I had to hug her! Probably the most striking romantic moment of my life.. Today she is found her true love and moved on.. Sad at times but happy mostly now! Could have been different!
After all that I still had an fickle heart all geared up for a roller coaster ride!
This incident does not involve me.. This is my brother and bhabi helping me get that ticket for a roller coaster ride.. Giving hope! My brother had shifted to Bombay and bhabi was still in delhi for more than 2 weeks and desperate to meet each other.. Me being the designate chauffeur as is the case always ( I like it though) was with bhabi all the way from delhi.. And it was late evening that Saturday we were planning to meet my bro close to there new apartment in powai. He was waiting for us for more than an hour and we were stuck in the famous and notorious mumbai traffic! Finally we entered powai and see him standing on the foot path, I park the car and bhabi steps out and runs (exaggerated) but yeah her eagerness was evident in the way she went to him.. And they hugged in the middle of the hiranandani market, they hugged so tight and for long it was like- the only thing missing was flowers falling from heaven! It's a very interesting love story and marriage that they have probably write another blog on that on a later date! Yeah seeing them and that day.. I feel it is worth buying the ticket and taking that ride!l over n over again!
The latest one happened very recently..
I was back in Bombay for a week and had planned to meet a friend (to start with) that entire week and probably deep down was expecting something would happen.. Don't actually know.. Day 1 I ditched her since I had to be with my brother and we were having late dinner and had to drop a few friends of his back home! Anyways day 2 met her at around 8:00 in the evening and spent a wonderful evening.. Night.. Late night.. Early morning.. With her on the most romantic location in Bombay - Marine drive! Nothing triggered then.. Come day 3 met her and there she was in a red dress! By then the virus was spreading and had eaten up my senses to an extent! Anyways spent a great time enjoying some ice cream, rating men & women passing by and then playing a game that triggered that feeling back again.. Sat down on the front seat of that scariest roller coaster without seat belts! It was official we were seeing each other.. So from meeting a friend to being with your 'more than a friend' ! The eventful day 2 had to be ended soon as I had promised my brother for dinner again! Took a taxi and went to drop her.. Spoke a lot and blushed a lot.. And got out to open the door for her but she had already stepped out .. Stood there at an arms length from each other and she smiled and blushed, me too! After that moment. I said bye! And gave her a side hug and got back in to my car, as the car was reversing I popped my head out and looked at her.. She was smiling still so was I.. Something inside me said "get out and just hug her!" The roller coaster had taken off! But the sane or the probably stupid version of me refrained me from doing so thinking 'Arrey she would think you are a despo' and I just looked at her and smiled! Probably a reason that this roller coaster derailed! Anyways today I am as far as i can be from the ticket counter! But leaning towards it! And she is probably somewhere else reading this right now! (caught u!)
Anyways glimpses of my romantic side has been very colorful! And probably the next roller coaster rides me all my life!

The weaker sex!

Lately I have realized that the smiling face is the prettiest face of a person! This is my experience speaking.. Obviously not talking about myself.. But lately the number of photos I have been seeing .. Thanks to the arranged marriage concept! Going through a zillions profiles on keralamatrimony.com I have realized a smiling face takes off several negatives out of one's face.. Probably because the smile is a very refreshing site and one tends to look at it than a frown!!
Obviously if you have really bad teeth to showcase then probably a closed smile would be better.. I mean the lips should be touching.. The upper and lower not with somebody else's! Anyways the irony in my case is these smiling faces I am looking at would probably be the reason for me not have a smile on mine! I know very pessimistic! But then I wonder why is der so many such forwards about the man suffering in a relationship? Why movies like pyaar punchnama become a hit with every guy coming feeling 'ghosh! That's my story?' girls probably have to take these signs seriously! Or else there will be an uprising just like how you women folks have got 33% reservation! The men will uprise and back a 100 years! Funny part is The whole idea of men and women are equal goes for a toss when women folk themselves fight for 33% extra? Ironic isn't it? I am not saying women folks shouldn't be given that.. I am just saying men were never given anything extra we took it (not right I agree) but we took it primarily because you let us, we didn't want reservations. In western countries probably the women were oppressed by the church as per what a lot of rebellion books suggest but haven't they come out and earned a place for themselves more respectfully! I am not saying you shouldn't have reservations but don't you all feel it's a better way earn it on your own merit?
This tag of being a weaker sex out of the two.. This is something I never accepted.. Yeah go ahead call me an MCP but the fact is women folks are not weak in fact if you look at it neither physically nor mentally (emotionally) we are strong.. Physically one on one kick between our legs even the great Khali will fall! Emotionally don't even get me started on it.. So then why this tag? I shouldn't be complaining nor should I be taking this fight on which I am pretty sure that may not turn out good for me.. But why is that the women folk tend to play this card? Is playing this card what makes them strong? Gone are those days when the wife is ill treated (may be happening in interiors as per amir khan's new show)! But from 95 out of 100 cases it has definitely come down to 15 - 20 out of 100! In fact there has been instances where the women have falsely accused of ill treatment to force money / property out of the guy ! Yeah yeah you might be thinking why am I going out right against women. I am not! I am just saying exceptions today should not be considered as rules and we should probably look at this as a period were we are equals and not weaker or stronger!
Coming back to being the independent one, it is a common scenario in the urban populations today! Is it the education that makes them independent or stress and lack of time of the male counterpart that forces them to be independent. Isn't it something worth discussing about?
I always believe in a quote - 'need is the mother of all inventions' slightly tweak it 'need is the mother of all revolution' yeah! need to be free lead to struggle for independence, need for touch and feel lead to touch phones! Need for speed got you the supersonic plane and need for safety got that project shelved! And similarly the need to sustain a family in the expensive urban lifestyle forced the women to come out. One may disagree but the truth I believe is that! Lifestyle of westerners are really expensive and therefore it becomes the need of the hour! And that forced them toncome out very early. I quite believe this is just one angle to this argument of why haven't the women broken her shackles may be education is a vital portion that empowers the girl in the urban outfit to be independent but then again somebody set the ball rolling by educating their daughter and empowering her which became a revolution similarly it may take some time before we figure out the same and somebody revolutionizes the rural outfit! But till then we fight on!
But I suggest we do our bit, educate the kids join save the children, Balraksha bharat, sishu seva, Protshahan, being human, Akanksha, teach for india! Let's empower the girl child! And in the struggle also not to forget the boy child, we can't afford another revolution to emancipate the boy child!
Jai hind

World culture!!!

Disclaimer : this is not to offend / hurt / insult any person any religion or any country.. This purely my point of view and everyone has the right to disagree to what I feel just like I have the right to express my views..!

I was in Bangkok recently (yeah yeah I know you might be thinking why the hell am I writing about world culture and not about happy endings !! Sorry!! Only thing happy about this blog is that it will end!! Ghoshh! That was a sad attempt I agree) and one thing that amazed me which is quite different from the rest of the world at least the world that I know!! (and yeah I don't know all the 255 countries, I just guessed the number btw)  but nevertheless.. world has been forever a male dominant society.. (yes girls please fact is a fact.. today u might earn more than us and be our bosses but the society or the expectation of livelihood has always been from the man of the house!!) but in Bangkok life is otherwise women bring in the livelihood and the man of the house is happy to just sit around, sing, drink, dope and pimp!! and they are cool about it.. i don't think the women are cool about it!! i will be surprised if they were cool about it! Women there are expected to "Boom Boom" and feed the family! since every other profession there may not be sufficient as they are cheap to Promote tourism..
Thailand for that matter is thriving on this one aspect (boom boom) which i would politically word  as an effort to 'promote' tourism, since men, in any part of the world, will be men and enjoy sexual companionship of the opposite sex!! and since the men are the ( 'man of the house who earns' ) are the decision makers!! this promotional scheme is the most lucrative one!! (so i am right about the male dominance)
Another Interesting sight I had the pleasure of witnessing was to see an arab couple walking around in Sukhumvit in the night.. The guy was in his trunks (thats it) and his wife (i assume) covered from head to toe  in the traditional black gown!! can you visualize what i am saying!!! almost nude Arab with his wife who was just a pole with robe! not even sure there was a lady behind the robe!!  Not that i am hinting i couldn't catch a glimpse of the beautiful lady! its just the contrast / disparity in how they differentiate men and women! culturally very different from the western world! the sultan can have as many companions he wishes to (can't handle even one for a long time!! imagine 10 - 12) anyways moving on..
The Americans!!! bloody white skin arrogant bastards!! (pardon my language) but the fact .. the underlying cause for why Thailand is like the way it is.. or perceived as a brothel than for its beautiful beaches / corals / Buddhism / elephants and so on.. it was during the Vietnam war that the Americans camped in Thailand and they exposed the Thais to easy money!!! and ever since the highlight of Thailand has been yes 'boom boom'!! so the initiator and initiated are both responsible for the outcome right? and where the contrast lies is the fact that in Thailand they look up to the white skin? wondering probably about the dollars coming their way!!
And then comes the Indian Subcontinent ... the cheap bastards!!! that's what they refer us as..!! they feel an Indian is in Thailand with only one agenda "boom boom" and that too cheapest available!!! walking on the streets and the moment they see an Indian, boom boom & massage leaflets are out from no where and they stalk you till you yell at them and say "NO boom boom!!" Imagine back in India .. Sex is a taboo... and we refrain from talking about it and consider it not apt to bring such topic on our dinner table!! and guess what, the biggest target segment for boom boom in Thailand are Indians!! why this double standards then? or is it that whatever happens in Thailand stays in Thailand??suddenly you feel soooo bad that we Indians are considered like any other 3rd world country in fact worse!!! suddenly you see a different kind of perception about Indians!!! The land of rich heritage.. Hinduism.. Buddhism.. Jainism.. Sikhism.. and many more .. the CULTURE we hold so close to our hearts are not what these people perceive about INDIA.. and sadly when everyone who visits Thailand irrespective of his race or creed or origin.. has boom boom in his agenda!!
its just the random emotions and conclusions that came in to my mind!! pardon me if this was offensive!!

Jab we Met!!

The title definitely suggests a love story!! today it was on TV and there i was watching!!! and cometh the scene where he burns and flushes down his ex's photo! got inspired and decided it was high time to let go!! and move on! so i take up all the paper gifts and burn em!! thought i would feel bad!! but actually it did help!! cos more than the gift burning, it i guess, symbolizes the small hope i was nurturing in my heart of a chance!! anyways as i was burning it down.. but i guess there was this one last hope that she might come back!! and BaaM!! squashed it heard that she is getting married.. but for once i feel light!! i don't have to forcefully look away from the compartment of the closet where it was kept!!

certain things however kiddish it seems and stupid it may look to another person, it does serve the purpose!

amazing .. was therefore planning to write a book on 'how to get over a break up.. esp. when u are the one dumped' 

certainly this 'jab we met' burning will be in the crash course chapter probably as a must do!!

what else.... ahemmmm emmmmm??? go to places strategically important during the time u wer dating.. so many times with several people.. as if u are pushing the memories of u and her in that place so far down that u will not remember the date.. yeah u will remember u were der but when, why, what did you do?? naah!! human mind is constrained of space so yes some memory location needs to be over written..so facilitate the brain to choose those memories to overwrite!!

once you have overwritten those memory spaces.. you would realize that the memory space or the compartment in the brain named 'love' has a dangling pointer (c++ kisi ko pata hain?)  is sparking off un inhabited memory spaces with references to that person.. this i am afraid will continue till you find a replacement.. now don't get all 'idealistic' and worked up.. how can it be a replacement.. it is a replacement.. in plain simple words.. automatically situations where u had missed being in a relationship will have a new character to satisfy!! now this needn't be a new lover... a passion which u let go cos of her.. ;p.. a friend.. your parents you became close now since you could spent more time with them and with undivided attention.. it could be also a new lover.. and nothing is better than the other.. or worse than the other (last 2 sentences meant the same) but yeah .. who cares the readers of my book will be too involved to realize as they are desperate to get over!!

some people also say sex.. is a good way  to get over.. but i feel it also forms a part of the erasing of existing memory of sex with new ones.. so is covered.. but yeah if he was a virgin .. dude.. be happy you are not a  'poor guy' anymore and enjoy that better!! and definitely in this case sex does help..

 you will also be surprised to know that all those memories would probably be of a dinner or a early morning breakfast or a kiss or a moment of uncontrollable passion... see whats common??? the basic need!!! food and believe it or not the physical companionship... yeah .. u r right i am being cynical here...bull shit!!! you will enjoy a good dinner in the sample place irrespective of your company.. just try and remember the conversation you had over dinner?? nah!!i bet you will remember the dish u enjoyed!! ok there is an exception in this rule.. unless it is like a important date like u proposing or giving a ring etc.. but as we all know exceptions are not rules. And when it comes to a kiss .. comeon who are u kidding.. everyone enjoys a good kiss... and yeah sex.. please i don't even want to get started with this..if u don't enjoy it either something wrong with u (u r gay!!) or something wrong with the companion.. (again ur stupid mistake of choice)
so everything does revolve around till you let it!! everything and everyone is replaceable.. yeah except your parents!!
i just realized my book doesn't have much content beyond this blog?? what to do??? i can narrate a story and make my readers understand?? that will fill up a good amount of my pages.. my friends would agree .. my stories can fill up zillion pages.. as i digress to the minutest detail... but that's my style.. so let me rush to a new word document.. "how to get over a break up (s)..!!.docx" included the '(s)' some of my reader may be in deeper shit!!!
wait up will publish it .. and will send a copy to u all!!

We are just mirrors, trying to find us in every person we meet!

Watching rockstar the second time did give me a second chance to go deep into the movie.. And not just get lost in narghis fakhri and her beautiful face!
One thing that hit me during the movie was how simplicity and that intrinsic character is never lost.. What ever the state may be no one can ever leave that one thing! That one most important thing! It will never leave you and will never destroy you rather it will hold u together at the darkest hour of your life!! Yes, that characteristic probably is misplaced at times and that's what I have realized.. All we need to do is seek and find it!!
Today when the world is running to get ahead and at times trying to push another behind, that particular characteristic is already misplaced and in some cases overshadowing the rest!! Because that intrinsic character need not be humane one.. It can also be a self centered feeling which is in the limelight these days!!
It's in the DNA but is it inherited? Or is it developed? Sometimes when your parents don't get or understand your point of view, we all wonder how?? It is so simple and right there.. But why can't they understand?? Why are we so different?? So is this intrinsic character inherited?? Evolution!!! May be that's the answer.. May be! I don't know.. When I look at my mom and dad.. I see a lot of aspects of mine or behavior of mine just like theirs. And then I wonder why is it that sometime I fail to understand them.. And sometimes they fail to understand me?
In friends also we wish to see some aspects of ours.. Just like that song in rockstar.. "you and I are like mirrors and search ourselves in others" and we actually do it - try and find similarities in people we interact with! Why then do we fight with friends? Have arguments and disagreements??and lose them in worst cases? Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all once what you liked so much can irritate you.. Something which you wanted desperately can later bug you so much.. Why does like and dislikes change? But that one characteristic of that individual does not change!
A fellow blogger always mentions about her search for a soulmate and I never thought there is some one like a soul mate!! And I differed in opinion.. And in fact at times had mentioned to her probably the passion u might have can be for a hobby or work or deed or in short 'need not be a person..' Cos I always believed a person will change and a soulmate may never be your soulmate!
But today I feel different.. Not because I have found mine :p. But realization of the fact that .. That one defining characteristic of a person which does not change is what attracts you and if the rest of the package (soul wise not body wise :p) is worse and hopeless yet you want to be with that person because of that one defining characteristic.. There you go you have your soul mate! So go start your google search before pipa/ sopa and rest of world ban your search!!

The point of Revelation

In everyone’s life there will be a point, a point of revelation that questions the life lead so far. I had mine a some time ago. A point in time which could have come earlier or should have come earlier or is untrue and I have led my life the right way, is a debate which I have been having all this while from that day.

Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflexion where there might be another revelation.

I had my revelation from the fact of being a pleaser, a person who cannot say NO because he cannot be the bad one, and to be in everyone’s good books. Living a life which I cannot understand why I was living all this while like this? Nor did I gain anything instead lost most important things in life because I was nice, ‘nice’ really? The feelings were genuine but today the basis of those feelings / relations have been based on the fact that I was a pleaser, I was the ‘NICE’ guy so if I change now, will that crack the foundation? How long can I go ahead in this indecisiveness?  Delaying in the process of the actualization of the revelation, where neither pleasing nor displeasing anyone is leading to displeasing self. (I really don’t know what am I writing)

The experience has been really bitter when the pleasing never happened. Today I cannot be what I am in the real sense to anyone around me, I am scared. Blogging is just a path to bring or rather force out the real me. Go ahead read all the stupid ones I have written prior to this. It does not paint a good picture about me. Rather it paints a grey, infact a negative image. I shouldn’t be calling it an image because it is actually what I am right now pessimistic low on confidence and that’s what I am trying to do through blogging vent out my frustration with it the real me. 

The point of revelation came to me when the only person I could be ‘me’ and say NO and say what I really felt inside left me. Yeah yeah I know whining about a break up again. It is what another girl told me about 10 months after the break up. “Sridhar you are not over her! To a prospective girl friend you still continue to talk about your ex and the breakup” I don’t blame her she was honest. I wanted to talk, talk about everything in my head unfortunately the break up occupied a lot of space. Sometimes I wonder, I am scared to talk about it to anyone, everyone complains that I need to stop talking about it. And no one practically no one has ever fully heard me out. Probably if someone did hear me out not once but twice if required I would probably feel better. With the new girl, again I couldn’t be what I wanted to be at that point of time. I was supposed to woo her to like me, Impress her etc. etc.  I did try but I just couldn’t beyond a point. Probably because I realized I can no more be the one everyone “has to” like.  

The scare or the nightmare I have is ‘will anyone ever like the real me?’  May be not then what? So what? Frustration of being the YES Man will not crush you. I think right now that’s more important. Now this takes you back to the question I had asked in the beginning of the blog “Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflection where there might be another revelation.”

It indeed changed me. Otherwise contrary to everyone’s expectation I would not be single for so long (how can u be single, how can somebody not like you?) Now is the change a right one? I think it is, for me to be what I am and may be please only the person I really care for, not vice a verse which I did till now.  Or will this lead to another revelation in the future that for me the only thing I wish is if I could be the sympathy centre or a pity centre and that’s the real me and not what I believe real me is now ‘the one who could do what he wants and say NO and care least’ ” a second revelation may be. Human Being is complicated and I guess I am complication personified.

Indecision..

The world revolves on what people decide.. the decision to be precise.. be it the decision to buy a pen, quit a job.. take up a new assignment... propose the girl u are dating.. to date in the first place... to not to do something stupid.. yes 'To not to do something stupid' it is the most common decision most of us have taken sometime or the other.. but is it really a decision.. or the indecisiveness that was overwhelming.. ?? and we crumbled under the pressure..??
I will never know if i should have just plunged in to something i never did, thinking or worrying about the outcome.. i would never know.. thats the gamble u will take when u don't want to disturb the equation in your life.. when u don't want to lose!! but haven't u lost it already??
I have been lately in this uncertainty.... quite often.. and have more often than once have screwed up pretty badly.. but at times i feel the decision to do nothing was the best..

its a fight between 'what could have been' & 'what it is right now' and the 2 statements are so different.. one is so firm and assertive.. the other more hopeful than anything.. no certainty.. logically what can be the decision.. so is everyone who does nothing wrong or right?? and all the big fakes in the world will say risk it.. take your chances... but u only do so when u have enough substance to make this hope more certain.. its all a calculated decision.. but most of the times the calculations are tweaked by previous responses to those decisions without realizing the parameters this time around are totally different.. so these calculations are also may get you wrong..
and it is very difficult to take a decision when ur previous calculations have gone wrong..

so get squashed between the two.. and take the decision and keep wondering how it would have been if the decision taken was the other one.. it's just human nature..