World culture!!!

Disclaimer : this is not to offend / hurt / insult any person any religion or any country.. This purely my point of view and everyone has the right to disagree to what I feel just like I have the right to express my views..!

I was in Bangkok recently (yeah yeah I know you might be thinking why the hell am I writing about world culture and not about happy endings !! Sorry!! Only thing happy about this blog is that it will end!! Ghoshh! That was a sad attempt I agree) and one thing that amazed me which is quite different from the rest of the world at least the world that I know!! (and yeah I don't know all the 255 countries, I just guessed the number btw)  but nevertheless.. world has been forever a male dominant society.. (yes girls please fact is a fact.. today u might earn more than us and be our bosses but the society or the expectation of livelihood has always been from the man of the house!!) but in Bangkok life is otherwise women bring in the livelihood and the man of the house is happy to just sit around, sing, drink, dope and pimp!! and they are cool about it.. i don't think the women are cool about it!! i will be surprised if they were cool about it! Women there are expected to "Boom Boom" and feed the family! since every other profession there may not be sufficient as they are cheap to Promote tourism..
Thailand for that matter is thriving on this one aspect (boom boom) which i would politically word  as an effort to 'promote' tourism, since men, in any part of the world, will be men and enjoy sexual companionship of the opposite sex!! and since the men are the ( 'man of the house who earns' ) are the decision makers!! this promotional scheme is the most lucrative one!! (so i am right about the male dominance)
Another Interesting sight I had the pleasure of witnessing was to see an arab couple walking around in Sukhumvit in the night.. The guy was in his trunks (thats it) and his wife (i assume) covered from head to toe  in the traditional black gown!! can you visualize what i am saying!!! almost nude Arab with his wife who was just a pole with robe! not even sure there was a lady behind the robe!!  Not that i am hinting i couldn't catch a glimpse of the beautiful lady! its just the contrast / disparity in how they differentiate men and women! culturally very different from the western world! the sultan can have as many companions he wishes to (can't handle even one for a long time!! imagine 10 - 12) anyways moving on..
The Americans!!! bloody white skin arrogant bastards!! (pardon my language) but the fact .. the underlying cause for why Thailand is like the way it is.. or perceived as a brothel than for its beautiful beaches / corals / Buddhism / elephants and so on.. it was during the Vietnam war that the Americans camped in Thailand and they exposed the Thais to easy money!!! and ever since the highlight of Thailand has been yes 'boom boom'!! so the initiator and initiated are both responsible for the outcome right? and where the contrast lies is the fact that in Thailand they look up to the white skin? wondering probably about the dollars coming their way!!
And then comes the Indian Subcontinent ... the cheap bastards!!! that's what they refer us as..!! they feel an Indian is in Thailand with only one agenda "boom boom" and that too cheapest available!!! walking on the streets and the moment they see an Indian, boom boom & massage leaflets are out from no where and they stalk you till you yell at them and say "NO boom boom!!" Imagine back in India .. Sex is a taboo... and we refrain from talking about it and consider it not apt to bring such topic on our dinner table!! and guess what, the biggest target segment for boom boom in Thailand are Indians!! why this double standards then? or is it that whatever happens in Thailand stays in Thailand??suddenly you feel soooo bad that we Indians are considered like any other 3rd world country in fact worse!!! suddenly you see a different kind of perception about Indians!!! The land of rich heritage.. Hinduism.. Buddhism.. Jainism.. Sikhism.. and many more .. the CULTURE we hold so close to our hearts are not what these people perceive about INDIA.. and sadly when everyone who visits Thailand irrespective of his race or creed or origin.. has boom boom in his agenda!!
its just the random emotions and conclusions that came in to my mind!! pardon me if this was offensive!!

Jab we Met!!

The title definitely suggests a love story!! today it was on TV and there i was watching!!! and cometh the scene where he burns and flushes down his ex's photo! got inspired and decided it was high time to let go!! and move on! so i take up all the paper gifts and burn em!! thought i would feel bad!! but actually it did help!! cos more than the gift burning, it i guess, symbolizes the small hope i was nurturing in my heart of a chance!! anyways as i was burning it down.. but i guess there was this one last hope that she might come back!! and BaaM!! squashed it heard that she is getting married.. but for once i feel light!! i don't have to forcefully look away from the compartment of the closet where it was kept!!

certain things however kiddish it seems and stupid it may look to another person, it does serve the purpose!

amazing .. was therefore planning to write a book on 'how to get over a break up.. esp. when u are the one dumped' 

certainly this 'jab we met' burning will be in the crash course chapter probably as a must do!!

what else.... ahemmmm emmmmm??? go to places strategically important during the time u wer dating.. so many times with several people.. as if u are pushing the memories of u and her in that place so far down that u will not remember the date.. yeah u will remember u were der but when, why, what did you do?? naah!! human mind is constrained of space so yes some memory location needs to be over written..so facilitate the brain to choose those memories to overwrite!!

once you have overwritten those memory spaces.. you would realize that the memory space or the compartment in the brain named 'love' has a dangling pointer (c++ kisi ko pata hain?)  is sparking off un inhabited memory spaces with references to that person.. this i am afraid will continue till you find a replacement.. now don't get all 'idealistic' and worked up.. how can it be a replacement.. it is a replacement.. in plain simple words.. automatically situations where u had missed being in a relationship will have a new character to satisfy!! now this needn't be a new lover... a passion which u let go cos of her.. ;p.. a friend.. your parents you became close now since you could spent more time with them and with undivided attention.. it could be also a new lover.. and nothing is better than the other.. or worse than the other (last 2 sentences meant the same) but yeah .. who cares the readers of my book will be too involved to realize as they are desperate to get over!!

some people also say sex.. is a good way  to get over.. but i feel it also forms a part of the erasing of existing memory of sex with new ones.. so is covered.. but yeah if he was a virgin .. dude.. be happy you are not a  'poor guy' anymore and enjoy that better!! and definitely in this case sex does help..

 you will also be surprised to know that all those memories would probably be of a dinner or a early morning breakfast or a kiss or a moment of uncontrollable passion... see whats common??? the basic need!!! food and believe it or not the physical companionship... yeah .. u r right i am being cynical here...bull shit!!! you will enjoy a good dinner in the sample place irrespective of your company.. just try and remember the conversation you had over dinner?? nah!!i bet you will remember the dish u enjoyed!! ok there is an exception in this rule.. unless it is like a important date like u proposing or giving a ring etc.. but as we all know exceptions are not rules. And when it comes to a kiss .. comeon who are u kidding.. everyone enjoys a good kiss... and yeah sex.. please i don't even want to get started with this..if u don't enjoy it either something wrong with u (u r gay!!) or something wrong with the companion.. (again ur stupid mistake of choice)
so everything does revolve around till you let it!! everything and everyone is replaceable.. yeah except your parents!!
i just realized my book doesn't have much content beyond this blog?? what to do??? i can narrate a story and make my readers understand?? that will fill up a good amount of my pages.. my friends would agree .. my stories can fill up zillion pages.. as i digress to the minutest detail... but that's my style.. so let me rush to a new word document.. "how to get over a break up (s)..!!.docx" included the '(s)' some of my reader may be in deeper shit!!!
wait up will publish it .. and will send a copy to u all!!

We are just mirrors, trying to find us in every person we meet!

Watching rockstar the second time did give me a second chance to go deep into the movie.. And not just get lost in narghis fakhri and her beautiful face!
One thing that hit me during the movie was how simplicity and that intrinsic character is never lost.. What ever the state may be no one can ever leave that one thing! That one most important thing! It will never leave you and will never destroy you rather it will hold u together at the darkest hour of your life!! Yes, that characteristic probably is misplaced at times and that's what I have realized.. All we need to do is seek and find it!!
Today when the world is running to get ahead and at times trying to push another behind, that particular characteristic is already misplaced and in some cases overshadowing the rest!! Because that intrinsic character need not be humane one.. It can also be a self centered feeling which is in the limelight these days!!
It's in the DNA but is it inherited? Or is it developed? Sometimes when your parents don't get or understand your point of view, we all wonder how?? It is so simple and right there.. But why can't they understand?? Why are we so different?? So is this intrinsic character inherited?? Evolution!!! May be that's the answer.. May be! I don't know.. When I look at my mom and dad.. I see a lot of aspects of mine or behavior of mine just like theirs. And then I wonder why is it that sometime I fail to understand them.. And sometimes they fail to understand me?
In friends also we wish to see some aspects of ours.. Just like that song in rockstar.. "you and I are like mirrors and search ourselves in others" and we actually do it - try and find similarities in people we interact with! Why then do we fight with friends? Have arguments and disagreements??and lose them in worst cases? Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all once what you liked so much can irritate you.. Something which you wanted desperately can later bug you so much.. Why does like and dislikes change? But that one characteristic of that individual does not change!
A fellow blogger always mentions about her search for a soulmate and I never thought there is some one like a soul mate!! And I differed in opinion.. And in fact at times had mentioned to her probably the passion u might have can be for a hobby or work or deed or in short 'need not be a person..' Cos I always believed a person will change and a soulmate may never be your soulmate!
But today I feel different.. Not because I have found mine :p. But realization of the fact that .. That one defining characteristic of a person which does not change is what attracts you and if the rest of the package (soul wise not body wise :p) is worse and hopeless yet you want to be with that person because of that one defining characteristic.. There you go you have your soul mate! So go start your google search before pipa/ sopa and rest of world ban your search!!

The point of Revelation

In everyone’s life there will be a point, a point of revelation that questions the life lead so far. I had mine a some time ago. A point in time which could have come earlier or should have come earlier or is untrue and I have led my life the right way, is a debate which I have been having all this while from that day.

Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflexion where there might be another revelation.

I had my revelation from the fact of being a pleaser, a person who cannot say NO because he cannot be the bad one, and to be in everyone’s good books. Living a life which I cannot understand why I was living all this while like this? Nor did I gain anything instead lost most important things in life because I was nice, ‘nice’ really? The feelings were genuine but today the basis of those feelings / relations have been based on the fact that I was a pleaser, I was the ‘NICE’ guy so if I change now, will that crack the foundation? How long can I go ahead in this indecisiveness?  Delaying in the process of the actualization of the revelation, where neither pleasing nor displeasing anyone is leading to displeasing self. (I really don’t know what am I writing)

The experience has been really bitter when the pleasing never happened. Today I cannot be what I am in the real sense to anyone around me, I am scared. Blogging is just a path to bring or rather force out the real me. Go ahead read all the stupid ones I have written prior to this. It does not paint a good picture about me. Rather it paints a grey, infact a negative image. I shouldn’t be calling it an image because it is actually what I am right now pessimistic low on confidence and that’s what I am trying to do through blogging vent out my frustration with it the real me. 

The point of revelation came to me when the only person I could be ‘me’ and say NO and say what I really felt inside left me. Yeah yeah I know whining about a break up again. It is what another girl told me about 10 months after the break up. “Sridhar you are not over her! To a prospective girl friend you still continue to talk about your ex and the breakup” I don’t blame her she was honest. I wanted to talk, talk about everything in my head unfortunately the break up occupied a lot of space. Sometimes I wonder, I am scared to talk about it to anyone, everyone complains that I need to stop talking about it. And no one practically no one has ever fully heard me out. Probably if someone did hear me out not once but twice if required I would probably feel better. With the new girl, again I couldn’t be what I wanted to be at that point of time. I was supposed to woo her to like me, Impress her etc. etc.  I did try but I just couldn’t beyond a point. Probably because I realized I can no more be the one everyone “has to” like.  

The scare or the nightmare I have is ‘will anyone ever like the real me?’  May be not then what? So what? Frustration of being the YES Man will not crush you. I think right now that’s more important. Now this takes you back to the question I had asked in the beginning of the blog “Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflection where there might be another revelation.”

It indeed changed me. Otherwise contrary to everyone’s expectation I would not be single for so long (how can u be single, how can somebody not like you?) Now is the change a right one? I think it is, for me to be what I am and may be please only the person I really care for, not vice a verse which I did till now.  Or will this lead to another revelation in the future that for me the only thing I wish is if I could be the sympathy centre or a pity centre and that’s the real me and not what I believe real me is now ‘the one who could do what he wants and say NO and care least’ ” a second revelation may be. Human Being is complicated and I guess I am complication personified.

Indecision..

The world revolves on what people decide.. the decision to be precise.. be it the decision to buy a pen, quit a job.. take up a new assignment... propose the girl u are dating.. to date in the first place... to not to do something stupid.. yes 'To not to do something stupid' it is the most common decision most of us have taken sometime or the other.. but is it really a decision.. or the indecisiveness that was overwhelming.. ?? and we crumbled under the pressure..??
I will never know if i should have just plunged in to something i never did, thinking or worrying about the outcome.. i would never know.. thats the gamble u will take when u don't want to disturb the equation in your life.. when u don't want to lose!! but haven't u lost it already??
I have been lately in this uncertainty.... quite often.. and have more often than once have screwed up pretty badly.. but at times i feel the decision to do nothing was the best..

its a fight between 'what could have been' & 'what it is right now' and the 2 statements are so different.. one is so firm and assertive.. the other more hopeful than anything.. no certainty.. logically what can be the decision.. so is everyone who does nothing wrong or right?? and all the big fakes in the world will say risk it.. take your chances... but u only do so when u have enough substance to make this hope more certain.. its all a calculated decision.. but most of the times the calculations are tweaked by previous responses to those decisions without realizing the parameters this time around are totally different.. so these calculations are also may get you wrong..
and it is very difficult to take a decision when ur previous calculations have gone wrong..

so get squashed between the two.. and take the decision and keep wondering how it would have been if the decision taken was the other one.. it's just human nature..

I vs Me vs Myself.. The battle continues

From the time I remember I know of the inner voice within that tries to influence and at times helps me take a decision and at times confuses me to the core that I wish to mute these voices.. Lately I have been fighting my instincts and perceptions and gutt so much that can't figure out who is right and who is wrong.. And at times when the situation becomes personal and when it involves friends close ones it freaks me out.. The insecurity set in a few months back so deepset that the prime underlining of my character got shattered and I began to question simplest of decisions and actions.. Where I say 'I should' me says 'I shouldn't and myself says 'fuck why u thinking so much' but no body convincing enough.. Because past experience has all them in tied positions.. I was out a couple of months back for dinner with my really close friends and their girl friends.. Secrets I know (not life taking) about them which I believe they haven't shared with their girl friends.. I was so tempted to spill it out.. Not for fun.. But for the reason that I was super jealous and I couldn't for a couple of minutes take how happy they were.. And suddenly I felt all alone.. I controlled the emotions without disturbing equations.. (probably the only time I think 'I' won over 'me' ) but then again I had this fights every now and then.. The results are getting better and I am happy that I for is improving his odds.. Another instant was when my friend, my roomie had a break up.. There were instances when I felt happy to see him at home on weekend and not with his girl friend.. Where he and I could catch a movie go out bitch about every one check out girls.. But slowly I realized how sad his life had become.. So had mine.. It was then his ex caught me online to discuss about him.. I have to honest here I had cruel intentions as my instincts where to sabotage any chances.. Though I won I did the right thing and now both of them are happy as ever.. My guilty consciousness keep acting up as they insist on treating me for celebrating them back together.. And also the fear that I might start disliking my decision of doing what I did being jealous of every happy human being.. I am scared of 'Me' and fear it might act up to overpower 'I'... In all this myself doesn't make any sense and keeps coking with statements are repeated- 'fuck it why u thinking so much and where is my impulse' if I knew what my impulse I would never have this dilemma.. Being very social and friendly has always been my strength and yeah being stupidly funny corny was my ice breaker and with no intentions to flirt.. But today I have become so slow that it takes out the spontaneity and with it the funny.. Why have become so slow?? I am scared of the response whether it will communicate something else otherthan what I intended.. Thanks to I Me and myself .. Again confused to who to believe?? And eventually 'me' wins cause he from beginning said not to do anything and that's what I end up doing without conviction.. As the moment passes.. I just hope the fight is more conclusive and I have full authority in who wins and why he wins and so on..!! Unfortunately today it is like a boxing match without a knockout.. And somebody else deciding who the winner is.. The fight continues..

Selflessly selfish

Years back when great leaders fought for independence.. Women emancipation.. To remove racism and to remove slavery.. Our forefathers looked up to them and 'hero'fied them.. We learned about them in our history textbook.. When we looked up to our teachers when they said these men/ women were heroes and they fought for selfless causes.. I admired them.. They did influence me a lot during my forming years and helped me cultivate strong characteristics of servicing a purpose and living a cause.. And I for long thought I am too very selfless and great ;) but after quite a few really hectic and fun weekends this last Sunday I had a long time to myself whileing away time lying on my bed.. Trying to answer a question pricking me for long.. Who am I?? What am I?? And the same old question whether. I am shades of grey or black or white.. I asked myself a question why I do what I do?? Work excites me.. I travel a lot (domestic) prefer that too.. Interact with top shots gives my ego a boost.. And yeah it does help me meet my ends.. So it revolves around 'i' so pretty clear I am not here to do charity.. Then I questioned why I participate in save the children so actively?? Why whenever I return from a party my conscious pricks when I see a small child at traffic signals and wonder if I had not spent the money unnecessarily on food and drinks and music.. I bribe my conscious by giving these kids 10 or 20 bucks most of the times not even 1% of what I wasted.. But yeah to supress my guilt I guess it is sufficient.. These aspects made me wonder it boils down to 'I' and that selfish feeling or personal satisfaction that drives every individual to do what they do.. Be it putting a smile on a helpless child or saving a girl child's life or bringing food to hungry or building a home to a homeless family.. Or feeding your family or giving your child what you never got or giving your family the comfortable life and living a stylish life or having a personality or lifestyle that turns any heads with admiration.. All boils down to that personal satisfaction we all long for.. It is what I proudly coin as 'selflessly selfish'..