We are just mirrors, trying to find us in every person we meet!

Watching rockstar the second time did give me a second chance to go deep into the movie.. And not just get lost in narghis fakhri and her beautiful face!
One thing that hit me during the movie was how simplicity and that intrinsic character is never lost.. What ever the state may be no one can ever leave that one thing! That one most important thing! It will never leave you and will never destroy you rather it will hold u together at the darkest hour of your life!! Yes, that characteristic probably is misplaced at times and that's what I have realized.. All we need to do is seek and find it!!
Today when the world is running to get ahead and at times trying to push another behind, that particular characteristic is already misplaced and in some cases overshadowing the rest!! Because that intrinsic character need not be humane one.. It can also be a self centered feeling which is in the limelight these days!!
It's in the DNA but is it inherited? Or is it developed? Sometimes when your parents don't get or understand your point of view, we all wonder how?? It is so simple and right there.. But why can't they understand?? Why are we so different?? So is this intrinsic character inherited?? Evolution!!! May be that's the answer.. May be! I don't know.. When I look at my mom and dad.. I see a lot of aspects of mine or behavior of mine just like theirs. And then I wonder why is it that sometime I fail to understand them.. And sometimes they fail to understand me?
In friends also we wish to see some aspects of ours.. Just like that song in rockstar.. "you and I are like mirrors and search ourselves in others" and we actually do it - try and find similarities in people we interact with! Why then do we fight with friends? Have arguments and disagreements??and lose them in worst cases? Sometimes it doesn't make sense at all once what you liked so much can irritate you.. Something which you wanted desperately can later bug you so much.. Why does like and dislikes change? But that one characteristic of that individual does not change!
A fellow blogger always mentions about her search for a soulmate and I never thought there is some one like a soul mate!! And I differed in opinion.. And in fact at times had mentioned to her probably the passion u might have can be for a hobby or work or deed or in short 'need not be a person..' Cos I always believed a person will change and a soulmate may never be your soulmate!
But today I feel different.. Not because I have found mine :p. But realization of the fact that .. That one defining characteristic of a person which does not change is what attracts you and if the rest of the package (soul wise not body wise :p) is worse and hopeless yet you want to be with that person because of that one defining characteristic.. There you go you have your soul mate! So go start your google search before pipa/ sopa and rest of world ban your search!!

The point of Revelation

In everyone’s life there will be a point, a point of revelation that questions the life lead so far. I had mine a some time ago. A point in time which could have come earlier or should have come earlier or is untrue and I have led my life the right way, is a debate which I have been having all this while from that day.

Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflexion where there might be another revelation.

I had my revelation from the fact of being a pleaser, a person who cannot say NO because he cannot be the bad one, and to be in everyone’s good books. Living a life which I cannot understand why I was living all this while like this? Nor did I gain anything instead lost most important things in life because I was nice, ‘nice’ really? The feelings were genuine but today the basis of those feelings / relations have been based on the fact that I was a pleaser, I was the ‘NICE’ guy so if I change now, will that crack the foundation? How long can I go ahead in this indecisiveness?  Delaying in the process of the actualization of the revelation, where neither pleasing nor displeasing anyone is leading to displeasing self. (I really don’t know what am I writing)

The experience has been really bitter when the pleasing never happened. Today I cannot be what I am in the real sense to anyone around me, I am scared. Blogging is just a path to bring or rather force out the real me. Go ahead read all the stupid ones I have written prior to this. It does not paint a good picture about me. Rather it paints a grey, infact a negative image. I shouldn’t be calling it an image because it is actually what I am right now pessimistic low on confidence and that’s what I am trying to do through blogging vent out my frustration with it the real me. 

The point of revelation came to me when the only person I could be ‘me’ and say NO and say what I really felt inside left me. Yeah yeah I know whining about a break up again. It is what another girl told me about 10 months after the break up. “Sridhar you are not over her! To a prospective girl friend you still continue to talk about your ex and the breakup” I don’t blame her she was honest. I wanted to talk, talk about everything in my head unfortunately the break up occupied a lot of space. Sometimes I wonder, I am scared to talk about it to anyone, everyone complains that I need to stop talking about it. And no one practically no one has ever fully heard me out. Probably if someone did hear me out not once but twice if required I would probably feel better. With the new girl, again I couldn’t be what I wanted to be at that point of time. I was supposed to woo her to like me, Impress her etc. etc.  I did try but I just couldn’t beyond a point. Probably because I realized I can no more be the one everyone “has to” like.  

The scare or the nightmare I have is ‘will anyone ever like the real me?’  May be not then what? So what? Frustration of being the YES Man will not crush you. I think right now that’s more important. Now this takes you back to the question I had asked in the beginning of the blog “Can a revelation change a person? From what he was to this new self, is the change justified? Is the change the right one? Even this change going to reach a point of inflection where there might be another revelation.”

It indeed changed me. Otherwise contrary to everyone’s expectation I would not be single for so long (how can u be single, how can somebody not like you?) Now is the change a right one? I think it is, for me to be what I am and may be please only the person I really care for, not vice a verse which I did till now.  Or will this lead to another revelation in the future that for me the only thing I wish is if I could be the sympathy centre or a pity centre and that’s the real me and not what I believe real me is now ‘the one who could do what he wants and say NO and care least’ ” a second revelation may be. Human Being is complicated and I guess I am complication personified.

Indecision..

The world revolves on what people decide.. the decision to be precise.. be it the decision to buy a pen, quit a job.. take up a new assignment... propose the girl u are dating.. to date in the first place... to not to do something stupid.. yes 'To not to do something stupid' it is the most common decision most of us have taken sometime or the other.. but is it really a decision.. or the indecisiveness that was overwhelming.. ?? and we crumbled under the pressure..??
I will never know if i should have just plunged in to something i never did, thinking or worrying about the outcome.. i would never know.. thats the gamble u will take when u don't want to disturb the equation in your life.. when u don't want to lose!! but haven't u lost it already??
I have been lately in this uncertainty.... quite often.. and have more often than once have screwed up pretty badly.. but at times i feel the decision to do nothing was the best..

its a fight between 'what could have been' & 'what it is right now' and the 2 statements are so different.. one is so firm and assertive.. the other more hopeful than anything.. no certainty.. logically what can be the decision.. so is everyone who does nothing wrong or right?? and all the big fakes in the world will say risk it.. take your chances... but u only do so when u have enough substance to make this hope more certain.. its all a calculated decision.. but most of the times the calculations are tweaked by previous responses to those decisions without realizing the parameters this time around are totally different.. so these calculations are also may get you wrong..
and it is very difficult to take a decision when ur previous calculations have gone wrong..

so get squashed between the two.. and take the decision and keep wondering how it would have been if the decision taken was the other one.. it's just human nature..

I vs Me vs Myself.. The battle continues

From the time I remember I know of the inner voice within that tries to influence and at times helps me take a decision and at times confuses me to the core that I wish to mute these voices.. Lately I have been fighting my instincts and perceptions and gutt so much that can't figure out who is right and who is wrong.. And at times when the situation becomes personal and when it involves friends close ones it freaks me out.. The insecurity set in a few months back so deepset that the prime underlining of my character got shattered and I began to question simplest of decisions and actions.. Where I say 'I should' me says 'I shouldn't and myself says 'fuck why u thinking so much' but no body convincing enough.. Because past experience has all them in tied positions.. I was out a couple of months back for dinner with my really close friends and their girl friends.. Secrets I know (not life taking) about them which I believe they haven't shared with their girl friends.. I was so tempted to spill it out.. Not for fun.. But for the reason that I was super jealous and I couldn't for a couple of minutes take how happy they were.. And suddenly I felt all alone.. I controlled the emotions without disturbing equations.. (probably the only time I think 'I' won over 'me' ) but then again I had this fights every now and then.. The results are getting better and I am happy that I for is improving his odds.. Another instant was when my friend, my roomie had a break up.. There were instances when I felt happy to see him at home on weekend and not with his girl friend.. Where he and I could catch a movie go out bitch about every one check out girls.. But slowly I realized how sad his life had become.. So had mine.. It was then his ex caught me online to discuss about him.. I have to honest here I had cruel intentions as my instincts where to sabotage any chances.. Though I won I did the right thing and now both of them are happy as ever.. My guilty consciousness keep acting up as they insist on treating me for celebrating them back together.. And also the fear that I might start disliking my decision of doing what I did being jealous of every happy human being.. I am scared of 'Me' and fear it might act up to overpower 'I'... In all this myself doesn't make any sense and keeps coking with statements are repeated- 'fuck it why u thinking so much and where is my impulse' if I knew what my impulse I would never have this dilemma.. Being very social and friendly has always been my strength and yeah being stupidly funny corny was my ice breaker and with no intentions to flirt.. But today I have become so slow that it takes out the spontaneity and with it the funny.. Why have become so slow?? I am scared of the response whether it will communicate something else otherthan what I intended.. Thanks to I Me and myself .. Again confused to who to believe?? And eventually 'me' wins cause he from beginning said not to do anything and that's what I end up doing without conviction.. As the moment passes.. I just hope the fight is more conclusive and I have full authority in who wins and why he wins and so on..!! Unfortunately today it is like a boxing match without a knockout.. And somebody else deciding who the winner is.. The fight continues..

Selflessly selfish

Years back when great leaders fought for independence.. Women emancipation.. To remove racism and to remove slavery.. Our forefathers looked up to them and 'hero'fied them.. We learned about them in our history textbook.. When we looked up to our teachers when they said these men/ women were heroes and they fought for selfless causes.. I admired them.. They did influence me a lot during my forming years and helped me cultivate strong characteristics of servicing a purpose and living a cause.. And I for long thought I am too very selfless and great ;) but after quite a few really hectic and fun weekends this last Sunday I had a long time to myself whileing away time lying on my bed.. Trying to answer a question pricking me for long.. Who am I?? What am I?? And the same old question whether. I am shades of grey or black or white.. I asked myself a question why I do what I do?? Work excites me.. I travel a lot (domestic) prefer that too.. Interact with top shots gives my ego a boost.. And yeah it does help me meet my ends.. So it revolves around 'i' so pretty clear I am not here to do charity.. Then I questioned why I participate in save the children so actively?? Why whenever I return from a party my conscious pricks when I see a small child at traffic signals and wonder if I had not spent the money unnecessarily on food and drinks and music.. I bribe my conscious by giving these kids 10 or 20 bucks most of the times not even 1% of what I wasted.. But yeah to supress my guilt I guess it is sufficient.. These aspects made me wonder it boils down to 'I' and that selfish feeling or personal satisfaction that drives every individual to do what they do.. Be it putting a smile on a helpless child or saving a girl child's life or bringing food to hungry or building a home to a homeless family.. Or feeding your family or giving your child what you never got or giving your family the comfortable life and living a stylish life or having a personality or lifestyle that turns any heads with admiration.. All boils down to that personal satisfaction we all long for.. It is what I proudly coin as 'selflessly selfish'..

Child Abuse… ‘something which shall not be discussed…’

India is supposed to be a ‘sacred’ country and often the word sacred is misinterpreted as scared… we are scared…  Scared to revolt… Scared to raise our opinion… Scared to discuss about sex (but definitely not scared to rape)… Scared of god… Scared of people in power… Scared of voodoo… Scared of talking about touchy subjects like domestic violence, Child abuse, Child marriage, Dowry, Female infanticide…

Lately empowerment has resulted in stray cases being reported to the law enforcement bodies in India and in some cases they also see the light of media. In fact when I was in kerala about a month back was really astonished to find out an entire page in the local newspaper dedicated to crime.. rapes.. killing child abuse.. really astonished to see two things there..

1.       Media willing to dedicate an entire page for a non commercial social issue.. (yeah.. surprising isn’t it??)

2.       The amount of crime happening these days

Child abuse is one area where I have been exposed to in my life at different stages … aye not on me.. but to people I know - close friends and in family too.  And it sometimes makes me wonder how the priorities differ and how close ones can turn a blind eye instead of fighting your fight. And the excuse is that it will pass.. it will be over soon.. the fact they don’t realize is that how it leaves a lasting mark on somebody.. how it haunts them over and over again.. how it destroys their hope for a better life.. some even resort to violence when they grow older and stronger.. some resort to suicide.. some find solace in wrong company…. And yes some are lucky who get a brighter future…

Why does it go unnoticed.. or uninformed why?? Because it is an ewww topic… chi chi chi why would I talk about it.. and when brought to some else’s attention.. the sad response.. ‘no beta they are just being friendly…’ situation has sometimes gone to an extent where the elder sibling keeps mum to save the younger sibling.. and it just destroys the soul of that person.. Sadly they lost all the hope for a normal life and feels & believes that eventuality will be brutal and nothing good can happen in their life.. all good things need to come to an end.. if not will themselves end it before it hurts more..  Days, months , years have passed but it still makes them cry.. makes them vulnerable.. makes them heartless and make them scared..!!!

A child is the most unadulterated and purest form of a human being.. they don’t know to lie.. they don’t know to act.. all that they know is to change.. And at times change in to monsters they have seen when they grow or into worms stuck in their cocoons afraid to get out and fly because of those very same monsters... Why can’t the elders believe and help, is it because of the lack of trust in a young mind which they themselves have curtailed these children from, identifying right from wrong.. not sharing and not enlightening facets of life which are a part of Scared India more than the Incredible India that we like to talk about.

It’s come to a point where today, I feel I need to stand up for this cause and may be a minority but still a cause. Its high time we stand up against this.. stop it before it ruins.. help a friend.. help a sibling.. help any one who is put through this is.. and if already suffered please give them hope for a better future.

Mirchi Seth off to check in at the hotel California!!

Tushar .. Mirchi seth.. Paki.. Geezzz he had many names and the one major characteristic these words / names personify... Traitor.. Ha ha ha no don't conclude now and make your perception about him.. It was his trait.. But it changed, unfortunately his nick name didn't .. Why am I writing about him?? It's been exactly a week since he left for California.. For good.. Life has been really blessed for him.. Engaged to his love.. And what are the odds... She turns out to be reciprocating his love and affection.. I guess so ( both ways ).. Has multiple job offers and gets visa to all difficult locations and many more.. Sometimes I feel 'uske naseeb mein jo likha hain.. us sentence ka punctuation marks mere naseeb mein likha Hota toh I would have been happy..' anyways I will stop cribbing about it.. So coming back to Mr. Tushar he has been my room mate for more than 2.5 years.. And our friendship goes for more than 8 years.. Probably I should say friendship really kicked in the 3rd year or so after we first met on sunny afternoon of august 19th 2003... (he can't prove otherwise so I can put any date I want but it is quite close..) I still remember our final year project and how my other good friend and his bitch screwed us over.. (luckily the bitch is gone and the friend is back.. Diff person, will write about him someday) an those days before the exams when we wasted our lives playing NFS most wanted and NFS carbon.. And bitching about the system and the college.. Yeah just like the typical college rebel.. But the most interesting Thingy during that period was obviously the fact that he fell in love and he n das (DSPTR) - will explain later.. Pushed me into a grand canyon saying it was love.. Luckily it wasn't a ugly crash n burn.. Thanks a very mature girl for a change.. I am obviously not naming her she might have a nasty boy friend.. Anyways days of brain wash. And reading signs apparently I was missing to.. And inferring them for me.. The 2 were not entirely to be blamed for the fiasco.. I liked her to start with.. And when I was chickening out these guys would sow hope in my barren land.. And I float away.. Anyways I have no regrets cause each and every minute spent in his room discussing this was memorable and still brings about a smile on my face and I bet on his too and on das's face too.. moving on to life out of college I still remember the first get together sorts in Bombay... Adya.. Das.. Him n I we met at worli sea face and it rained that day... It was in may or June 2008.. I was doing my internship.. It was a beautiful day.. BMC was laying that tripods on the beach to decrease sea encroachment.. Whatever.. Memorable day.. His one of the crazy collection was the bills from places where we meet and dine.. Very seldom did he pay for it though :p Marwadi kanjoos sala.. Jk.. I guess he would probably have. Hundred slips by now.. I still remember the time he became my room mate.. He was planning to go to the US very shortly and didn't want to hire a place and leave it mid way.. He was trying to go for the same job and place eventually he left for last week.. But this was 2009 nov.. I am talking about.. I guess his time was not right at that point of time.. And his time came sept 2011... But it did help us become great friends and also the group .. Das.. Tushar and I later on robin also came to Bombay.. And the zillion times we hung out and had great fun.. Thetimee when Jyoti our common friend came to mumbai we did a night out had coffee at marine plaza and then saw znmd 8am show and came home.. The favorite has always been marine drive I have lost count the number of times we have been there.. The time when he had bought his iPod and we were shooting superbikes without realizing it was John Abraham and Shahid Kapoor who were the ones riding it.. My birthday when all of them came home cut the cake and left for marine drive.. The antakshari we played on the way.. The 5 o'clock in the morning train ride to VT and bun maska and tea from a tapri.. The ipl match and so on so forth.. Our fights over federer vs nadal and our unconditional devotion to the god of cricket and 50+ movies we have seen.. He was our pivot as he used to plan everything to the last detail.. Amras @ crystal and fruit cream at haji Ali.. Etc etc.. His engagement in udaipur.. Amras we had in his house.. ('we' in most cases mean das n I and in some cases mean das, robin and I and in some cases mean Adya, das, robin n I and not to forget at all times tushar) the view of entire udaipur from his roof top.. But we missed out on the goa trip for his bachelor's party.. Not to worry we will do it in las Vegas... And hangover part 3 will happen..
Till the next time we meet up.. Adios amigo!!! Have a great life in Americas... God speed!!!