I vs Me vs Myself.. The battle continues

From the time I remember I know of the inner voice within that tries to influence and at times helps me take a decision and at times confuses me to the core that I wish to mute these voices.. Lately I have been fighting my instincts and perceptions and gutt so much that can't figure out who is right and who is wrong.. And at times when the situation becomes personal and when it involves friends close ones it freaks me out.. The insecurity set in a few months back so deepset that the prime underlining of my character got shattered and I began to question simplest of decisions and actions.. Where I say 'I should' me says 'I shouldn't and myself says 'fuck why u thinking so much' but no body convincing enough.. Because past experience has all them in tied positions.. I was out a couple of months back for dinner with my really close friends and their girl friends.. Secrets I know (not life taking) about them which I believe they haven't shared with their girl friends.. I was so tempted to spill it out.. Not for fun.. But for the reason that I was super jealous and I couldn't for a couple of minutes take how happy they were.. And suddenly I felt all alone.. I controlled the emotions without disturbing equations.. (probably the only time I think 'I' won over 'me' ) but then again I had this fights every now and then.. The results are getting better and I am happy that I for is improving his odds.. Another instant was when my friend, my roomie had a break up.. There were instances when I felt happy to see him at home on weekend and not with his girl friend.. Where he and I could catch a movie go out bitch about every one check out girls.. But slowly I realized how sad his life had become.. So had mine.. It was then his ex caught me online to discuss about him.. I have to honest here I had cruel intentions as my instincts where to sabotage any chances.. Though I won I did the right thing and now both of them are happy as ever.. My guilty consciousness keep acting up as they insist on treating me for celebrating them back together.. And also the fear that I might start disliking my decision of doing what I did being jealous of every happy human being.. I am scared of 'Me' and fear it might act up to overpower 'I'... In all this myself doesn't make any sense and keeps coking with statements are repeated- 'fuck it why u thinking so much and where is my impulse' if I knew what my impulse I would never have this dilemma.. Being very social and friendly has always been my strength and yeah being stupidly funny corny was my ice breaker and with no intentions to flirt.. But today I have become so slow that it takes out the spontaneity and with it the funny.. Why have become so slow?? I am scared of the response whether it will communicate something else otherthan what I intended.. Thanks to I Me and myself .. Again confused to who to believe?? And eventually 'me' wins cause he from beginning said not to do anything and that's what I end up doing without conviction.. As the moment passes.. I just hope the fight is more conclusive and I have full authority in who wins and why he wins and so on..!! Unfortunately today it is like a boxing match without a knockout.. And somebody else deciding who the winner is.. The fight continues..

Selflessly selfish

Years back when great leaders fought for independence.. Women emancipation.. To remove racism and to remove slavery.. Our forefathers looked up to them and 'hero'fied them.. We learned about them in our history textbook.. When we looked up to our teachers when they said these men/ women were heroes and they fought for selfless causes.. I admired them.. They did influence me a lot during my forming years and helped me cultivate strong characteristics of servicing a purpose and living a cause.. And I for long thought I am too very selfless and great ;) but after quite a few really hectic and fun weekends this last Sunday I had a long time to myself whileing away time lying on my bed.. Trying to answer a question pricking me for long.. Who am I?? What am I?? And the same old question whether. I am shades of grey or black or white.. I asked myself a question why I do what I do?? Work excites me.. I travel a lot (domestic) prefer that too.. Interact with top shots gives my ego a boost.. And yeah it does help me meet my ends.. So it revolves around 'i' so pretty clear I am not here to do charity.. Then I questioned why I participate in save the children so actively?? Why whenever I return from a party my conscious pricks when I see a small child at traffic signals and wonder if I had not spent the money unnecessarily on food and drinks and music.. I bribe my conscious by giving these kids 10 or 20 bucks most of the times not even 1% of what I wasted.. But yeah to supress my guilt I guess it is sufficient.. These aspects made me wonder it boils down to 'I' and that selfish feeling or personal satisfaction that drives every individual to do what they do.. Be it putting a smile on a helpless child or saving a girl child's life or bringing food to hungry or building a home to a homeless family.. Or feeding your family or giving your child what you never got or giving your family the comfortable life and living a stylish life or having a personality or lifestyle that turns any heads with admiration.. All boils down to that personal satisfaction we all long for.. It is what I proudly coin as 'selflessly selfish'..