Its Never too Late to make a fool out yourself

Fool is often a highly underrated 'good' word. Its got this certain love attached to it. We very often fail to understand or notice this love angle. I, very recently, pounced upon the Movie 'Kal ho Na ho' while surfing through channels a Saturday afternoon. I some how felt Saif's role exactly fits into the context I mentioned above. We always tend to overlook his character and focus on the selfless character of SRK [highly overrated]. I started watching the movie at a very interesting juncture where Saif has come to mmet and propose Naina [Preeti Zinta's character's name I thought I will use that because I just love that name anyways] and damn she jumps the gun and says 'I love Aman [srk's character]' Saif in his tade mark confused, lost soul  look responds "You love Aman" the gestures with the thumbs up. This got me thinking how would some one respond to such a situation? Laugh it off and extend the unconditional support?? Or be saddened by the mere fact that your luck sucks?? Or be indifferent and let your heart out and?? What I feel is that our 'EGO' determines the way you react or the choice we make

Watching the movie made me, and I guess everyone, laugh in a loving way at Saif's predicament and that is what lead me to the Headline "Its never too late to make a fool out of yourself' . In a similar situation I would probably not say and more importantly withdraw ad more or less react the same way as saif did!

And god may have it, even as I was smiling thinking about it within days I had my share of it as well. Yes I know how so bollywoodish my life is, as if its straight out of a script writer's book. A highly unlikely coincidence, I swear. A girl who I secretly (as in only she didn't know) liked , mentioned in many of my earlier blogs, played the 'Naina' of my Kal ho na ho very precisely. And guess how I reacted? I literally rolled on the floor  laughing.. Looked at her and said, in the exact same way like saif (purposefully), " you like some one" awesome!! I couldn't help but laugh at myself.. I very subtly did tell her I was planning to propose to her after dinner, subtly ? How? I joked .. 'oh!  Damn! is it so.. That means all this is meaningless ..', we both laughed it off!! I somehow could see that she was serious about this so I had to refrain from any more jokes. So nicely drifted off the subject and wished her all the best.. And yeah the typical I will pray for you and all.. Since she hasn't told the guy apparently.. I trust me the prayers were sincere.. To be honest because I still had hope.. Why? because the last time we had sparks flying between us she said I threw so many hints at you but you never caught any of them and therefore never understood the story between the lines. So I was thinking probably she was hinting at me.. :p but then again I was not prepared to make a real fool of myself by assuming that these are hints and actually going ahead and saying.. "Naina (I will refrain from using the real name) I like you too.. And I know you are hinting at me.." but that over-smart, pain-in-the-unmentionables ME hiding deep inside resurfaced and said "NO! are you crazy? She doesn't like you.. She realized it the last time as well that too in a single day.. She is too beyond your league my friend… look at you!" I had to probably say that 'ME' listen fu@$er don’t you realize you are talking about yourself.. Come on we aren't [we as in ME & I] that bad as you think we are.. Anyways the ME prevailed over 'I' and I dropped her home and went home peacefully slept.

Eventually I would learn that 'ME' did the right thing as I got to know it wasn't me that she was hinting.. There was actually another person.. Sob sob..!!!

But that’s alright..  And as someone great once told.. 'There is a flip side to heart breaks.. Not that you will never love again.. But ironically each broken piece of the heart starts loving again and not necessarily the same person! :P'  .. My problem is I actually don’t know how many pieces are there?

The void!

Sitting on my bed.. newly spread bed linen.. feet touching the floor which is still wet from the wiping.. disinfected smell rising in the air.. melancholic music playing in the background.. hot vapour from the freshly brewed coffee forming the mist on the photo frame.. a perfect setting probably to scribble down a romantic poem.. I  sat there just sipping up the hot coffee and she was resting her head on my shoulder.. talking random stuff... sharing anecdotes from the past.. remembering a similar Sunday morning.. Suddenly an urge... an urge to go back, not go back in time but go back to those places.. get back together with those familiar faces.. somewhere down the lane, the lane called "work" or "making a living", left it all behind..
I got up, turned and looked at her.. suddenly i didn't feel it.. there wasn't that spark in her eyes.. or probably the sparkle was missing in mine.. i closed my eyes.. took a deep breath silenced out the world .. but yes the music still echoed in the back ground.. after a few seconds opened my eyes.. the surroundings now had a bluish tint to it but it didn't feel fresh.. i looked at her again.. she gazed at me surprised and confused.. but she still smiled though.. i winked at her and smiled.. and walked out to the balcony.. i knew it.. its over.. i guess she felt it too she came up and hugged me from behind.. i looked down to see her fingers interlock themselves wrinkling my shirt with it.. i could feel her heart pounding on my back.. i could also feel her warm breath.. i held her hand, it was so cold, loosened her grip, turned around and said it in the worst plain simple words possible.. 'Pratheeksha, its over!' her eyes filled up suddenly.. her voice crumbled. She knew it i guess.. she turned around slowly walked away.. probably hoping i would call her back.. i just looked on.. she picked up her bag and left..
as heartless as i can be i felt a void in me.. an empty space.. a missing block.. i was probably literally heartless.. walked in turned on the TV and lay flat on my bean bag.. skipping channels.. mind went in to a trance random images appearing in different channels, voice muted out..
my subconscious mind picked up one image.. worli sea link.. i miss bombay.. i miss sitting on the broken concrete compound wall of some worli mill late night with a pack of baskin & robin ice cream bavarian chocolate usually.. loud music in the ears.. i miss driving pointlessly in the deserted roads of bombay at nights.. a city that gave me so much.. a city where i fell in love a zillion times.. a city that gave me some tight hugs.. a few romantic kisses.. a few walks along the marine drive.. a few endless conversations at marine drive.. rains that drenched my soul quite often.. a few pointless night outs.. a few tear drops.. a few heartbreaks..
"bhaiyya .. airport chaloge?" i asked an auto wala.. i couldn't resist.. i was off to my favourite city.. it was raining and the unusual mid February rain bringing the temperatures down, making it chillier in the auto.. i was smiling.. i don't know why but i was smiling.. shivering in the cold but smiling..

"Welcome to Chatrapati Sivaji International Terminal, Mumbai the outside temperature is 28oC" announced the hostess. Jumped up from my seat, getting pointlessly restless.
"Ek non-a/c taxi haji ali" i told the lady at the pre-paid taxi counter.
Like a dog, i put my head out with nice luke warm moist wind in my hair. seeing some new changes to the city since the last time that i was here.. here i am worli sealink, crossed it and stopped at haji ali.. stood there blankly looking at the most beautiful spectrum - water splashing on the walls of Haji ali.. it was high tide and water level had risen.. sea was splashing against the cement tripods its just so refreshing to see that delightful sight.. Picked up a plate of dry fruit cream from Haji Ali Juice centre, relishing the taste i walked towards another cab, he took me to lalbaug from there to mahim.. to parel.. to BSE.. to nariman point!
At nariman point i sat down listening to the waves.. looking at fishermen boats far and wide.. time just flew by.. and as i sat down the street lights came on.. sky scrapers started shining.. the Canon Logo..Wankhede Stadium.. oh what sight..
i was drowning in that euphoria called Mumbai! My heart was in a state of trance.. no phone calls.. no emails.. nothing.. i didn't even call my good friends, my cousins and my naughty notorious nieces.. but somehow i didn't want to i was content being alone.. probably the first time ever in my life i was enjoying the company of myself..
Me with my thoughts for company, i sat there doing nothing just random thoughts in my head.. I was reminded of the wonderful moments i spent with each of them.. be it the night out with the gang at marine drive and early morning movie (that changed my life) to celebrate the visit of an out of town friend.. those drives with the gang to 'Crystal' to have the most amazing 'Aaam rass' and the phulke and rajma.. yummmm... mouth's watering already.. i miss this gang, a lot crazy fuckers.. who enjoyed the same genre of films and the same old music and the same old lines..
was reminded of the sunday(s) at my aunts place.. go for breakfast end up having dinner and return after spending good time with them, their kids (my cousins) and their grand children (my nieces) days!!
I felt a little heaviness when i thought of that person.. "the one who shall not be named"  quickly i shook my head as if i wanted to wake up and get out of the land slide of emotions..
and as usual i tried to think of the good things.. and there came a special person.. a person.. who quietly grew into me.. a person thinking of whom i wrote my best blog ever only a few knew who this was.. she doesn't know.. anyways that brought a lot of thoughts in my head and few blushes on my face.. was soo tempted to pick up the phone and call her.. didn't.. i had to be unbiased i didn't call anyone so how can i call only her.. so didn't call.. [but yeah..  did message her ;) after a long time the next day and of course didn't tell her i was in her town..] anyways... the thought of that person did wake me up and made me smile and resurrect back to the wonderful feeling... its puzzled me when does it hit? when do you fall? and my fav. question.. "Ullagathil Evalon Pengal irruke nyan ee avale love panne?" [there are a zillion girls in this world.. still i fell in love with her why?] i don't know but its better it stays in me that out in public [look at me and i am blogging about it] whatever.. i feel somewhere inside me i want her to know.. but scared..
this made me go off on a tangent again.. but luckily i realized i had a flight back to catch and be in office next day.. at 02:25 am.. and it was as i remember.. 23:30 so i decided to get up and dust my butt.. and walk towards a cab which will take me to Churchgate Railway station. But wait.. why taxi? its walkable..i used to walk to churchgate from here.. done it many times before..! oh sorry that was in the evening.. walk through hindustan college.. look and 'aahe baro' on pretty girls, feel good and board the train.. But right now its late not many wandering souls so decided to stick to my first idea.. cab to churchgate!
Having come to Mumbai and not taken a train ride.. what have you done?? so there I am standing at the door cool wind in my hair.. looking at the ground in front of charni road station.. looking at the chaals.. its all brings a smile on my face remembering the train rides as well.

Life has a struggling side in Mumbai.. every one knows it.. but there is a flip side a side that makes you smile.. makes you feel alive.. makes you fall in love.. and makes you feel better in love.. I have been in delhi for exactly an year now.. [26 - Feb - 2012] I have my closest friends and my best'est' friends in this city.. i bet if not for them i would have left my really amazing job and gone back to Mumbai.. but they are the one reason i am still here.. its not that i hate delhi.. i love it too.. but Mumbai with the Gang, with family and that very few moments with that special person.. is not replaceable.. and somehow that's created a void. A void created by many on a common pedestal called.. Mumbai..

Maturing to a self that siezes to be Me!

We have moved in to a phase a phase where not being in an extra marital affair and not indulging into a one night stand is the 'not so common thing' Life has moved on to a stage where these have become the in thing!..
While I grew up to a full grown dumb ass.. Sitting and looking at a women and wondering of she could be good in bed or not? (Wrong timing when the whole country is boiling against these 'object of desire' statements) I am just being honest! I 'have' done this in the past.. Not now there was a time, a phase I regret but yes I have looked at women as objects of desire and have no justifications for doing so.. But when I had time to introspect I realized where I was heading to..

A time when I would not shy away from looking at her face.. A time when the way she talked... the way she interacted with others.. her face.. her hair style.. her voice.. The language she spoke.. the movies she watched.. the songs she listened.. Those where the things that mattered..
With the help of a common friend who makes you stand in a way where she is in the background! Click! you have a photo with her! Life was simple and nice and innocent.. And when she said yes all that you thought was to sing and dance with her like in the songs of your favourite movie back then [alaipayuthey - saathiya's original Tamil].
Then time went by. A change in mindset.. Suddenly what she wears.. Whether her arms were waxed or not.. Is she slim or not? Is she cool to hang out or not and whether she will sit on the bike with you or not? Suddenly it didn't matter how her face looked. Nor did which songs she listened to nor did the movies she watched.. And this time when she said yes it was more of 'will she let me hug her?.. Can I kiss her?.. I was not a pervert I guess something's was still nice! But yeah the physical quotient started playing more prominence.
Graduating to a phase that was driven by urges.. urges that qualify as animal instincts.. where heat wasn't generated by the electrifying looks but from the friction! a point of losing all inhibitions that held you together were now broken.. and suddenly it doesn't feel bad to rattle the bed anymore..
that transcended to phase when the unthinkable happens a phase when women become just objects of desire.. Sitting in a mall a pretty lady walks by and the thought if she will be good in bed invariably crossed the mind! A regretful phase..
Then suddenly you realize the fake & skin deep self that you molded yourself into, a self which was feeling comfortable behind this illusion phrased as 'being cool or being modern' was after all an illusion in the literal sense. You realize it when you couldn't speak up with courage the true feeling when you had.. Worried if it would sound as desperation since desperate you were for something meaningful.. The lack of confidence and lack of soul lead you to drown her in depths of the sea and leaving you was stranded alone on the shores of misery! That's when you realize the down road you had taken.. And you had to get out of it.. I did.. At least the conscious is clear now!

Days went by and long way ahead in the path of recovery, there I was reminiscing the glimpses of true love I once experienced. Looking back i realized feeling alive was the ultimate thing and back then it could have been friendship, a passion that was pursued or may be even love, a love that wasn't just physical but with passion.. that urge to be there when she turns around to see.. Pick up the phone in the first ring and hope she notices that you were waiting for her call.. Give a zillion missed calls to her landline hoping that she realizes its you and picks up.. Writing poems and songs about her... Riding the bike in the busy traffic just to pick her up and drop her home, for that 15 mins together riding close to a hundred kilometers up and down on indian roads.. Getting up early in the morning and rushing through regular stuff so that you can be the one dropping her to work or temple, more importantly see her with drenched hair and smell the freshness off her while she sits behind you on the bike!or beside you in you car! this is missing..
I don't know if I can feel any of those things again.. I guess I have matured.. to a self that seizes to be me any more..
Quote - 'maturity is nothing but losing your innocence!'