Heart on your sleeve

Heart is a delicate organ.. both literally and metaphorically speaking.. its what decides whether you are alive or not... again literally and metaphorically speaking...
I have been fiddling with the idea of being an organ donor, my parents have already dedicated their bodies to science and while dad was talking about it I started thinking about it. its a good idea, rather than just burning it to ashes. My eyes, I will definitely donate, I am quite proud of my eyes, I very often get compliments for my eyes and whoever gets it will be really happy and and probably have a better view that what I had with it.

So coming back to my heart.. [sorry I have this really bad habit of getting lost in myself]
Heart! whoever came up with that stupid shape to depict the heart must be shot.. I mean what does it even imply? Anyway I have been really fascinated by it lately, especially when I noticed it actually aches when i feel sad.. there must be definitely a scientific explanation to the same, blushing for instance - blood pumped into your cheeks shading it pink when you feel an attraction to someone in your sights, the heart pumps it there must be a logical explanation for that, nevertheless its connected.
Why do we always feel a rise in pulse when we see the person we have feelings for? feelings??? What are they? Have you tried to put words to the feeling, that overwhelming feeling that rise in pulse rate, that feeling of something filling up your body as if your body was an empty glass and water was being filled to the brim and when it over follows that trickle down your spine..  my command over the English language handicaps me to explain further, but frankly I don't even know to explain the same in my mother tongue, so language is no barrier I guess I can't just explain. but all that feeling is it good for the delicate heart? again both literally and metaphorically speaking, is it?
Lately I have been experiencing different proportions of that feeling.. that overwhelming feeling. I very recently realized that I was fighting a losing battle, knowing from the very beginning that it will result in hurting the delicate organ.. I plunged, plunged deep.. something inside of me refrained me from doing such things for a short period of time recently.. I was someone who carried his heart on his sleeve.. honest about the feeling - no playing mind games, power games, any sort of games.. every now and then people told play it cool, I didn't do that till very recently... when I started doing it, I had changed I had become mean, remained honest, brutally honest at times and detached it worked, I realized I had this power, this attraction, I was getting attention, mind space, care... I was getting all that I wanted but still I never felt the rush.. any of that 'feeling' .. I wonder why? I never wanted to plunge, always safe guarding the heart putting it back where it belongs - deep inside my rib cage heavily guarded. And mind you it was all that I wanted a simple happy life [as if that's unique] delivered on a platter , a sure-shot victory on the cards no heart breaks but again somehow that 'feeling' nope that was not there too. .
Today I stand on the verge of losing, very badly, very miserably. I can see that, right in front of my eyes i see the failure. I can see it coming.. but  I am still standing there drenched in that "feeling" knowing that being the detached, 'playing it cool' guy may win me the battle, I know it but somehow I don't feel like taking that road. is it wrong? is it right what I am doing to my delicate organ? why don't I want to win? isn't everything fair in love & war.. this is both!!!then why do I wish to carry my heart on my sleeve, throwing it around, giving no due credit to that delicate piece of mass... red muscle.. am I sadistic.. do I draw pleasure by playing to lose? am I that person with 'meenakumari complex' [people who saw matru ki bijli ka madora, would know what I am talking about and for others (unfortunately it was a flop so many would have not seen) meenkumari the actress who played characters who would invariably fuck up happy ending and turn everything into a sob story].
When I look at my self?
Why is that when I know I will win, I quit and when failure is lurking right in front of me, I go all guns blazing, to get shot right in the middle of my heart?
Is it a common phenomena? Do others do the same?
Its weird, I don't have a logical explanation.. will science have an explanation to this?
Being insensitive to the most sensitive organ in the human body.
Great!! What a dumb-ass I am!!!

Its Never too Late to make a fool out yourself

Fool is often a highly underrated 'good' word. Its got this certain love attached to it. We very often fail to understand or notice this love angle. I, very recently, pounced upon the Movie 'Kal ho Na ho' while surfing through channels a Saturday afternoon. I some how felt Saif's role exactly fits into the context I mentioned above. We always tend to overlook his character and focus on the selfless character of SRK [highly overrated]. I started watching the movie at a very interesting juncture where Saif has come to mmet and propose Naina [Preeti Zinta's character's name I thought I will use that because I just love that name anyways] and damn she jumps the gun and says 'I love Aman [srk's character]' Saif in his tade mark confused, lost soul  look responds "You love Aman" the gestures with the thumbs up. This got me thinking how would some one respond to such a situation? Laugh it off and extend the unconditional support?? Or be saddened by the mere fact that your luck sucks?? Or be indifferent and let your heart out and?? What I feel is that our 'EGO' determines the way you react or the choice we make

Watching the movie made me, and I guess everyone, laugh in a loving way at Saif's predicament and that is what lead me to the Headline "Its never too late to make a fool out of yourself' . In a similar situation I would probably not say and more importantly withdraw ad more or less react the same way as saif did!

And god may have it, even as I was smiling thinking about it within days I had my share of it as well. Yes I know how so bollywoodish my life is, as if its straight out of a script writer's book. A highly unlikely coincidence, I swear. A girl who I secretly (as in only she didn't know) liked , mentioned in many of my earlier blogs, played the 'Naina' of my Kal ho na ho very precisely. And guess how I reacted? I literally rolled on the floor  laughing.. Looked at her and said, in the exact same way like saif (purposefully), " you like some one" awesome!! I couldn't help but laugh at myself.. I very subtly did tell her I was planning to propose to her after dinner, subtly ? How? I joked .. 'oh!  Damn! is it so.. That means all this is meaningless ..', we both laughed it off!! I somehow could see that she was serious about this so I had to refrain from any more jokes. So nicely drifted off the subject and wished her all the best.. And yeah the typical I will pray for you and all.. Since she hasn't told the guy apparently.. I trust me the prayers were sincere.. To be honest because I still had hope.. Why? because the last time we had sparks flying between us she said I threw so many hints at you but you never caught any of them and therefore never understood the story between the lines. So I was thinking probably she was hinting at me.. :p but then again I was not prepared to make a real fool of myself by assuming that these are hints and actually going ahead and saying.. "Naina (I will refrain from using the real name) I like you too.. And I know you are hinting at me.." but that over-smart, pain-in-the-unmentionables ME hiding deep inside resurfaced and said "NO! are you crazy? She doesn't like you.. She realized it the last time as well that too in a single day.. She is too beyond your league my friend… look at you!" I had to probably say that 'ME' listen fu@$er don’t you realize you are talking about yourself.. Come on we aren't [we as in ME & I] that bad as you think we are.. Anyways the ME prevailed over 'I' and I dropped her home and went home peacefully slept.

Eventually I would learn that 'ME' did the right thing as I got to know it wasn't me that she was hinting.. There was actually another person.. Sob sob..!!!

But that’s alright..  And as someone great once told.. 'There is a flip side to heart breaks.. Not that you will never love again.. But ironically each broken piece of the heart starts loving again and not necessarily the same person! :P'  .. My problem is I actually don’t know how many pieces are there?

The void!

Sitting on my bed.. newly spread bed linen.. feet touching the floor which is still wet from the wiping.. disinfected smell rising in the air.. melancholic music playing in the background.. hot vapour from the freshly brewed coffee forming the mist on the photo frame.. a perfect setting probably to scribble down a romantic poem.. I  sat there just sipping up the hot coffee and she was resting her head on my shoulder.. talking random stuff... sharing anecdotes from the past.. remembering a similar Sunday morning.. Suddenly an urge... an urge to go back, not go back in time but go back to those places.. get back together with those familiar faces.. somewhere down the lane, the lane called "work" or "making a living", left it all behind..
I got up, turned and looked at her.. suddenly i didn't feel it.. there wasn't that spark in her eyes.. or probably the sparkle was missing in mine.. i closed my eyes.. took a deep breath silenced out the world .. but yes the music still echoed in the back ground.. after a few seconds opened my eyes.. the surroundings now had a bluish tint to it but it didn't feel fresh.. i looked at her again.. she gazed at me surprised and confused.. but she still smiled though.. i winked at her and smiled.. and walked out to the balcony.. i knew it.. its over.. i guess she felt it too she came up and hugged me from behind.. i looked down to see her fingers interlock themselves wrinkling my shirt with it.. i could feel her heart pounding on my back.. i could also feel her warm breath.. i held her hand, it was so cold, loosened her grip, turned around and said it in the worst plain simple words possible.. 'Pratheeksha, its over!' her eyes filled up suddenly.. her voice crumbled. She knew it i guess.. she turned around slowly walked away.. probably hoping i would call her back.. i just looked on.. she picked up her bag and left..
as heartless as i can be i felt a void in me.. an empty space.. a missing block.. i was probably literally heartless.. walked in turned on the TV and lay flat on my bean bag.. skipping channels.. mind went in to a trance random images appearing in different channels, voice muted out..
my subconscious mind picked up one image.. worli sea link.. i miss bombay.. i miss sitting on the broken concrete compound wall of some worli mill late night with a pack of baskin & robin ice cream bavarian chocolate usually.. loud music in the ears.. i miss driving pointlessly in the deserted roads of bombay at nights.. a city that gave me so much.. a city where i fell in love a zillion times.. a city that gave me some tight hugs.. a few romantic kisses.. a few walks along the marine drive.. a few endless conversations at marine drive.. rains that drenched my soul quite often.. a few pointless night outs.. a few tear drops.. a few heartbreaks..
"bhaiyya .. airport chaloge?" i asked an auto wala.. i couldn't resist.. i was off to my favourite city.. it was raining and the unusual mid February rain bringing the temperatures down, making it chillier in the auto.. i was smiling.. i don't know why but i was smiling.. shivering in the cold but smiling..

"Welcome to Chatrapati Sivaji International Terminal, Mumbai the outside temperature is 28oC" announced the hostess. Jumped up from my seat, getting pointlessly restless.
"Ek non-a/c taxi haji ali" i told the lady at the pre-paid taxi counter.
Like a dog, i put my head out with nice luke warm moist wind in my hair. seeing some new changes to the city since the last time that i was here.. here i am worli sealink, crossed it and stopped at haji ali.. stood there blankly looking at the most beautiful spectrum - water splashing on the walls of Haji ali.. it was high tide and water level had risen.. sea was splashing against the cement tripods its just so refreshing to see that delightful sight.. Picked up a plate of dry fruit cream from Haji Ali Juice centre, relishing the taste i walked towards another cab, he took me to lalbaug from there to mahim.. to parel.. to BSE.. to nariman point!
At nariman point i sat down listening to the waves.. looking at fishermen boats far and wide.. time just flew by.. and as i sat down the street lights came on.. sky scrapers started shining.. the Canon Logo..Wankhede Stadium.. oh what sight..
i was drowning in that euphoria called Mumbai! My heart was in a state of trance.. no phone calls.. no emails.. nothing.. i didn't even call my good friends, my cousins and my naughty notorious nieces.. but somehow i didn't want to i was content being alone.. probably the first time ever in my life i was enjoying the company of myself..
Me with my thoughts for company, i sat there doing nothing just random thoughts in my head.. I was reminded of the wonderful moments i spent with each of them.. be it the night out with the gang at marine drive and early morning movie (that changed my life) to celebrate the visit of an out of town friend.. those drives with the gang to 'Crystal' to have the most amazing 'Aaam rass' and the phulke and rajma.. yummmm... mouth's watering already.. i miss this gang, a lot crazy fuckers.. who enjoyed the same genre of films and the same old music and the same old lines..
was reminded of the sunday(s) at my aunts place.. go for breakfast end up having dinner and return after spending good time with them, their kids (my cousins) and their grand children (my nieces) days!!
I felt a little heaviness when i thought of that person.. "the one who shall not be named"  quickly i shook my head as if i wanted to wake up and get out of the land slide of emotions..
and as usual i tried to think of the good things.. and there came a special person.. a person.. who quietly grew into me.. a person thinking of whom i wrote my best blog ever only a few knew who this was.. she doesn't know.. anyways that brought a lot of thoughts in my head and few blushes on my face.. was soo tempted to pick up the phone and call her.. didn't.. i had to be unbiased i didn't call anyone so how can i call only her.. so didn't call.. [but yeah..  did message her ;) after a long time the next day and of course didn't tell her i was in her town..] anyways... the thought of that person did wake me up and made me smile and resurrect back to the wonderful feeling... its puzzled me when does it hit? when do you fall? and my fav. question.. "Ullagathil Evalon Pengal irruke nyan ee avale love panne?" [there are a zillion girls in this world.. still i fell in love with her why?] i don't know but its better it stays in me that out in public [look at me and i am blogging about it] whatever.. i feel somewhere inside me i want her to know.. but scared..
this made me go off on a tangent again.. but luckily i realized i had a flight back to catch and be in office next day.. at 02:25 am.. and it was as i remember.. 23:30 so i decided to get up and dust my butt.. and walk towards a cab which will take me to Churchgate Railway station. But wait.. why taxi? its walkable..i used to walk to churchgate from here.. done it many times before..! oh sorry that was in the evening.. walk through hindustan college.. look and 'aahe baro' on pretty girls, feel good and board the train.. But right now its late not many wandering souls so decided to stick to my first idea.. cab to churchgate!
Having come to Mumbai and not taken a train ride.. what have you done?? so there I am standing at the door cool wind in my hair.. looking at the ground in front of charni road station.. looking at the chaals.. its all brings a smile on my face remembering the train rides as well.

Life has a struggling side in Mumbai.. every one knows it.. but there is a flip side a side that makes you smile.. makes you feel alive.. makes you fall in love.. and makes you feel better in love.. I have been in delhi for exactly an year now.. [26 - Feb - 2012] I have my closest friends and my best'est' friends in this city.. i bet if not for them i would have left my really amazing job and gone back to Mumbai.. but they are the one reason i am still here.. its not that i hate delhi.. i love it too.. but Mumbai with the Gang, with family and that very few moments with that special person.. is not replaceable.. and somehow that's created a void. A void created by many on a common pedestal called.. Mumbai..

Maturing to a self that siezes to be Me!

We have moved in to a phase a phase where not being in an extra marital affair and not indulging into a one night stand is the 'not so common thing' Life has moved on to a stage where these have become the in thing!..
While I grew up to a full grown dumb ass.. Sitting and looking at a women and wondering of she could be good in bed or not? (Wrong timing when the whole country is boiling against these 'object of desire' statements) I am just being honest! I 'have' done this in the past.. Not now there was a time, a phase I regret but yes I have looked at women as objects of desire and have no justifications for doing so.. But when I had time to introspect I realized where I was heading to..

A time when I would not shy away from looking at her face.. A time when the way she talked... the way she interacted with others.. her face.. her hair style.. her voice.. The language she spoke.. the movies she watched.. the songs she listened.. Those where the things that mattered..
With the help of a common friend who makes you stand in a way where she is in the background! Click! you have a photo with her! Life was simple and nice and innocent.. And when she said yes all that you thought was to sing and dance with her like in the songs of your favourite movie back then [alaipayuthey - saathiya's original Tamil].
Then time went by. A change in mindset.. Suddenly what she wears.. Whether her arms were waxed or not.. Is she slim or not? Is she cool to hang out or not and whether she will sit on the bike with you or not? Suddenly it didn't matter how her face looked. Nor did which songs she listened to nor did the movies she watched.. And this time when she said yes it was more of 'will she let me hug her?.. Can I kiss her?.. I was not a pervert I guess something's was still nice! But yeah the physical quotient started playing more prominence.
Graduating to a phase that was driven by urges.. urges that qualify as animal instincts.. where heat wasn't generated by the electrifying looks but from the friction! a point of losing all inhibitions that held you together were now broken.. and suddenly it doesn't feel bad to rattle the bed anymore..
that transcended to phase when the unthinkable happens a phase when women become just objects of desire.. Sitting in a mall a pretty lady walks by and the thought if she will be good in bed invariably crossed the mind! A regretful phase..
Then suddenly you realize the fake & skin deep self that you molded yourself into, a self which was feeling comfortable behind this illusion phrased as 'being cool or being modern' was after all an illusion in the literal sense. You realize it when you couldn't speak up with courage the true feeling when you had.. Worried if it would sound as desperation since desperate you were for something meaningful.. The lack of confidence and lack of soul lead you to drown her in depths of the sea and leaving you was stranded alone on the shores of misery! That's when you realize the down road you had taken.. And you had to get out of it.. I did.. At least the conscious is clear now!

Days went by and long way ahead in the path of recovery, there I was reminiscing the glimpses of true love I once experienced. Looking back i realized feeling alive was the ultimate thing and back then it could have been friendship, a passion that was pursued or may be even love, a love that wasn't just physical but with passion.. that urge to be there when she turns around to see.. Pick up the phone in the first ring and hope she notices that you were waiting for her call.. Give a zillion missed calls to her landline hoping that she realizes its you and picks up.. Writing poems and songs about her... Riding the bike in the busy traffic just to pick her up and drop her home, for that 15 mins together riding close to a hundred kilometers up and down on indian roads.. Getting up early in the morning and rushing through regular stuff so that you can be the one dropping her to work or temple, more importantly see her with drenched hair and smell the freshness off her while she sits behind you on the bike!or beside you in you car! this is missing..
I don't know if I can feel any of those things again.. I guess I have matured.. to a self that seizes to be me any more..
Quote - 'maturity is nothing but losing your innocence!'

West meets the East or the vice versa!! (Part 1)

India is a place of mystery for any foreigner every visit brings out something that they never expected they have never seen before! And if they are on their maiden trip to INDIA then it as fascinating as seeing a flying comet and they are more often 'Awe' struck with anything as small as vegetarian food!
For my luck I have been the official guide and take around guy for the foreign colleagues of mine.. While in petronas it was the Italians and the Malaysians! And now it the Scandinavian friends the Swedish speaking Finnish friends !! (Something that I learnt new).
I will restrict my ordeal with the Finnish this time around!! Especially since I was just out of a time out with my friends who were as usual taking my case point out how easily that I digress from the topic of discussion!! Oops there again I did it!!
The first of my interaction was with a fairly young guy!! The son of CEO.. As usual my perception was 'lucky brat' not here on merit! But apparently he knew what he was talking about!! He had been up the ladder the rightful way! Yeah whatever.. I am not blogging about his capability! He from the little interaction i had did look like someone with action unlike the big shots I have come across in the short career! Anyways we were on our way to Taj Mahal!! The crown we Indians like to show off to the world!! It was peak summer.. Yeah when you are talking to a Finn! Oh they have no idea about summer.. For them the summer is pleasant!! 23 - 24•C and that's when the sun is out and short clothes out and people are enjoying their time out!! But in India no no no!! Summers are dreadful!! 48•C it's crazy hot!! It's baking hot!! We were in our most comfortable outfits possible! Shorts and linen shirts! And while we were at leisurely moving along the country side we were to witness the India exactly as it would be in a first worlder - the land of snake charmers!! Yes we had the cobra dancing to the charmers awfully painful-to-the-ear music (rather noise) ironically most snakes are deaf luck them!! But it was definitely moving in a pattern probably the vibrations! Anyways this probably made my friends day.. Rather his trip!! He saw the 'real' india as per the perceptions he had.. The land of snake charmers! Anyways he saw it!! He would probably have stories to tell back home about his eventful India trip! Anyways there we were in front of the Taj! Really amazing sight it was my second visit, the first barely able to recollect would have not believed my dad if not for the photo so yes there we were in front of the Taj Mahal! The wonder India has to offer to the world!!
The epitome of love! The saying 'till death do us apart' symbolizes here.. Anyways as we walked in to the ticket counter and there I was kinda confused.. For foreigners it was 750/- per head and Indians it was just 15/- per head (around that I don't exactly remember, all that I clearly remember was that it was strikingly cheap!) anyways to my surprise he had an explanation- if we have the money to travel from a different country probably we are better off to pay a little extra for keeping it clean and spotless! There you go like I said he did look intelligent and now he is logical as well! While we went about exploring the beautiful Taj we were constantly surprised by the guide who was narrating instances from the emperor's era as if he was there!! It was amazing to see the conviction with which he was narrating! It was amazing, my colleague and I joked wondering if we salesmen could talk to our customers with such conviction! Anyways on our way back, now that we had established a rapport it was a interesting drive back talking about incidents and funny stories and out came the truth! He was in a Live in with his girl friend, he is merely engaged, he is a to-be father! The expectation that in India where men, grown up 25 - 27 year old men stay home with parents till they married and sometimes even after that! So he had assumed if he had told the truth about the equation he shares with his fiancé (now) it would have been a cultural shock for us Indians! Yes if he was talking to my mom I bet she would have collapsed! I still remember her jaw dropping when I told her that the gang with whom i was going to goa included 3 girls! She said 'you will not stay in the same room as them is that understood!' I didn't but yeah imagine she hearing about this and top of it if she knew they were expecting a baby she would have probably snapped! Anyways it was me! And I was instead wishing damn!! I had such progressive women in India who wouldn't want to marry the moment you kiss them! Or rather will only kiss if you promised that you will marry her.. What if she is a horrible kisser?? Kidding I bet she would be most often cheated into kissing some ass! And then she becomes even more guarded! It's a chain reaction and I bet the western world did go through this cycle before it became boring and mundane and opened up!
So there you go something to chew on about the contrasting lifestyles of western and the eastern world!!
End of part 1

Life in a Metro... Chapter 4

Delhi...
The national capital.. The crime capital.. A city which had more Beemers and Mercs than taxis or autos! the most common phrase - "Ho jayega JI "  so respectful in there language and so loving in their interactions. Delhi is often referred to as city of show offs.. yes indeed there is show off but when you can afford it why not? Money flows in Delhi (by delhi i mean NCR) and it flows in style no doubt about it! I wonder at times where does this money come from? Land some say.. corruption some others.. but nevertheless money is in plenty.. it very easy to get carried away and spend the money you don't have!
Delhi weather is of extremes.. in the summer the heat gets to your head.. and you will see fights on the road for something as small a hairline scratch on the bumper..  thinks get out of hand when power goes off! the heat is quite unbearable.. i have heard the winters are too.. had just a glimpse of it in 2010 when i had come for Auto Expo.. and during my brother's wedding the same year in December.
hoping this time it would be fun .. thank to my great abode.. with a massive balcony.. where we can have all the bon-fire and sit around and sip our drinks!!!
Delhi, its been just 7 months, so quite early to make my conclusion so it won't be the conclusion about Delhi but definitely my opinions.. which if you may ask me on a later date, it might have changed.. or worsened!
I have my best friends from my pune days  here in delhi! so life is awesome over the weekends.. 
Beautiful roads.. nice plush green after the first rains.. delhi has its own beauty. Talking about beauty.. yes best looking girls, atleast well dressed giving a good fight to pune in this regard.
especially around the location of my house.. gk the crowd is notch higher and definitely well dressed!

Moving on.. one of the craziest incident happened to me the day it rained for the first time after the really hot summer. it was a friday evening.. as usual i was enjoying my drive back from office to home in the rain.. its just a beautiful feeling! anyways i was really close to my home when it started raining heavily.. since it was the first rain people were standing under the trees, bridges etc. to save themselves from being drenched... i saw a middle aged couple struggling to find an auto, as they were out for their evening walk, assuming they wanted a ride i decided to stop and ask if i could drop them, i used to do the same when i was in bombay and many a times have dropped people to their destination which was not on my way back home. Assuming the same kinda response (a smile and thank you) i asked the question to the gentleman waiting. 'sir can i drop you somewhere?' but to my surprise i got a response which was stunning.. the lady and guy looked at me in such a disgusting manner as if i had asked the guy if i could sleep with his wife.. for a couple of minutes i expected they will change the expression and say 'no thank you!'but they kept looking at me and finally the lady gave smirk and there i had it, i just left deciding in my mind never to offer help, but later i did understand after i could calm myself down that its delhi.. people suspect you to  be a rapist first, then a burglar, then a brainless ass, a politician's son, a rich spoiled brat and after this you if you still continue to be nice they might think you are mad! It's not wrong to have such a perception it can be misleading at times but when it comes to Delhi it might be more often right than wrong!
CWG was famous for its corruption but i had the chance to see and play in one of the facility and see a few others, trust me we needn't be ashamed. its world-class but yeah what could have been done in 50 was done in 50000 so yes tax payer's money did go into the wrong hands. but at least they didn't compromise on the infrastructure. anyways thanks to delhi i got back to playing badminton!! something which i loved while in pune! That too playing in international standard courts!
Coming into Delhi changed a lot of things for me personally and professionally.. celeb parties... stand up comedy events... hauz khaz village.. India gate... big wide roads.. chandi chowk... kareem's @ juma masjid.. beer breweries pubs.. Delhi has its charms and yes it may have its flaws as well.. but after all there might be some truth in the common phrase.. 'dilwalon ki dilli'! hoping to have more experiences!! :)

How i forgot to breathe.. n blink... while looking at you!!!!

Most often words ‘romance’, ‘blush’ are associated with girls... women... ladies... but somehow we men do all crazy stuff and we blush too... we also feel like making it special for that special someone... But somehow the male complex ego steps in to remind the first line of this blog... “associated with girls...” now you don’t want to be termed swaying in that direction... and obviously manly , rugged outlook fares better with women also... so there you go an already complex situation just swirled a couple of more loops!

Women want their men to be rugged and ‘manly’ - defined as “with qualities thought to befit a man”, now please tell who thought of this... and what are the freaking qualities that befit me best? If we get too romantic, we get too clingy or we get too cheesy, ewew!!! And when we be all manly then ‘why are you so insensitive! You don’t care!’ I really don’t know!

All I know is that I want to romance the way I want without being judged. Or frankly I don’t care if I am judged.

I want to take that plunge! I want to chat endlessly about things that rarely matter to anyone... I want to hold hands and stare at the sea for hours... I want to go on the long bike ride with someone talking into my ear about stuff that may not be life changing but if said while she is clutching my shoulders or my waist and her warm breath gushing in my ear, will definitely change mine! I want to write (with the help of Microsoft word dictionary) a rhyming poem and gift her. I want to put in effort and time and make a gift that means a lot in value and gift her… I want to lie down on her lap and get my hair caressed… I want to dance in the rain with her at the Worli sea face… I want to her wet hair splashing rain drops on my face… I want her hair slip right between my fingers while she turns and twitters looking deep into my eyes… I want to make her swing on the swing in the children’s park till her heart skips a beat and she feels the tears of joy trickle down her cheek while it wakes up the child in her… I want to surprise her when she least expects it… I want to fly many a kilometers to her doorstep when she feels lonely even in the middle of the night or may be a middle of career changing deal somehow I feel that career may not be worth what I might lose – that few minutes with her when she wanted me the most! I want to share my smallest failure to my biggest success and my smallest success and biggest failure with her and feel elated or light at heart! I want to do stupidest and craziest things to convince her how much I love her… enact and rehearse those stupid things through the night to perfect it next day and while doing so always enacting a happy ending, perhaps play in some rahman melody in the background to perfect the mood… Get lost in her eyes so much so that I forget to breath and her touch revives my senses… I want to love her so much so that she skips a beat when she feels my love… just like how I freeze in time when I know that she loves me too… just like how I forget to breathe… or blink while looking at you…

I want yell my heart out but somehow something pulls me back from Romancing ‘love’… the love of my life…

Love is a beautiful feeling, its blissful… it’s like the fresh green look just after a rain… it’s like that beautiful orange sun rise on a winter morning… it’s like that sip of coffee on the veranda on a rainy Sunday afternoon… it’s like the rehydrating feeling that drop of cold water brings right from your lips through your tongue down your food pipe all the way to your stomach making your subconscious mind spill out ‘aaa ha’… it’s like that little chuckle of a new born when he sees something he likes…

Its love... it’s like everything that’s wonderful!

Rise in love (© Taal movie) cause its divine and its up above!